So it turns out that there were classified documents lying around Joe Biden’s office and garage at his home in Wilmington, Delaware, dating from his time as vice president. In a press conference today, the president justified this to Fox News’s Peter Doocy by saying, “by the way, my Corvette’s in a locked garage… it’s not like they’re sitting out in the street.”
Doocy: "Classified materials next to your corvette? What were you thinking?
Biden: "My corvette is in a locked garage."
He then struggles to read off a script pic.twitter.com/UYGiFGnJBP
— Greg Price (@greg_price11) January 12, 2023
The news follows the revelation that classified documents were located in his office at the Penn Biden Center in Washington, DC. But is that all? Cockburn has several ideas of where his lawyers should hunt next, to save the president the indignity of an FBI raid or imbroglio with the dorks at the National Archives:
In the warmer drawer under the gas stove
After the Consumer Product Safety Commission launched a war on gas stoves, internet sleuths uncovered that Joe actually has one himself. Perhaps Mr. President accidentally swapped out his chicken for pages of top secret information.
Behind the high school gym
Back in 2016, Biden said he would like to take candidate Donald Trump behind the gym and “beat the hell out of” him. Was he just thinking of using his fists? Or was he planning on rolling up state secrets into a Millwall brick to catch the Donald unawares?
The Mac Shop, Wilmington
John Paul Mac Isaac’s laptop repair store isn’t far from Chez Biden — and it wouldn’t be the first time that the president’s son, Hunter had misplaced something vitally important and potentially compromising there. Leave no stone unturned!
The Chateau Marmont, West Hollywood
The infamous hotel where Hunter spent most of his crack and hookers bender. It isn’t out of the question that there would be some files lurking around. Has anyone spoken to the maids?
Mpire Club, Dupont Circle
The infamous strip club where Lunden Alexis Roberts, mother of Hunter Biden’s love child, plied her trade. Why throw dollar bills when you can throw top secret documents?
Ukraine
We know that Biden loves Ukraine’s leader Volodymyr Zelensky. We also know that Hunter served on the board of Burisma for a number of years. Cockburn bets his bottom dollar that there will be some classified docs lying around, next to the piles of American cash.
Bill and Connie Neville’s house
The Bidens spent their New Year’s tropical vacation at the property of a billionaire business owner, who attended his first presidential state dinner just weeks before. How meticulously did Sleepy Joe pack before leaving St. Croix?
Northern Virginia Community College
Could the brains behind the Biden administration, Dr. Jill, be hoarding top secret documents in her office at NVCC, where she teaches teachers? In fairness, Cockburn thinks they’d be safer with FLOTUS than her dozy husband.
Baskin-Robbins
We need a nationwide search of all branches. What if the nuclear codes are stashed in the freezer under the tubs of chocolate-chocolate chip?
Funland, Rehoboth Beach
Purchase a list of Emmanuel Macron’s lovers with 1,000 arcade tickets!
