Can ‘anti-woke’ boycotts fix the obesity crisis?

Conservatives just discovered the surest cure for America’s obesity epidemic: boycotts. 

On Tuesday morning, Chick-fil-A became the latest casualty in the Bud Light War when a Twitter mob began calling for a boycott of the fast food chain gone “woke.” The outrage followed a viral tweet highlighting that the company had hired a vice president of Diversity, Equity and Inclusion.

“We have a problem,” tweeted conservative commentator Joey Mannarino on Monday. “Chick-Fil-A just hired a VP of Diversity, Equity and Inclusion. This is bad. Very bad. I don’t want to have to boycott. Are we going to have to boycott?” Cockburn certainly does not want to give up his weekly chicken sandwich!

The vice president of DEI in question is Erick McReynolds, a long-time Chick-fil-A employee who was promoted to the position in 2021. So not “just” hired then. Why conservatives only just noticed this is unclear. Perhaps, it was a part of the company’s clandestine efforts to hide its new Marxist identity — ever since it stopped donating to “anti-LGBT” organizations in 2019, Chick-fil-A has undoubtedly fallen off the rails in the eyes of some social conservatives. 

The company released a statement in 2021 outlining its DEI efforts. “We understand that the path toward Better at Together looks different for every business,” the statement said. “At Chick-fil-A, Inc., our commitment is to approach this work with intention and humility, always believing the best in one another and striving for common ground.” 

Chick-fil-A’s most loyal eaters are now turning on the company with a new diet plan that would make even Eric Adams and Mike Bloomberg blush. The plan is simple: no Chick-fil-A and no carb-laden Bud Light. With the right discipline, the pounds should start to melt right off — just in time for beach season!

For those in a time crunch to get in shape, why not throw in a Coke boycott to your diet as well? Forgoing the sugary drink will cut calories and stick it to the company’s nefarious two-spirit pride event.

Whether or not Cockburn participates (everyone knows he already has a beach body), Cockburn hopes that the new war on obesity can do more for the country than Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move” campaign…