Happy twenty-fifth anniversary of the greatest headline in world history!
DRUDGE REPORT NEWSWEEK KILLS STORY ON WHITE HOUSE INTERN BLOCKBUSTER REPORT: 23-YEAR OLD, FORMER WHITE HOUSE INTERN, SEX RELATIONSHIP WITH PRESIDENT
Thus began the nation’s one-year slog through President Bill Clinton’s lies and calumnies, ending in his disgrace and impeachment.
Now, that was an impeachment. You missed a good one, kids. President Trump was impeached for making an (allegedly) inappropriate call to the president of Ukraine? Oh please. To discuss what Clinton did in the Oval Office the whole country needed a V-chip.
The history books can record that Clinton was the first president to have his semen analyzed by the FBI, the first president to have his capacity to induce orgasm described on national TV, the first president to use White House sinks as sexual aids and the first president to be credibly accused of rape within two weeks of being acquitted in an impeachment trial.
He also left us with the immortal words: “I did not have sexual relations with that woman — Miss Lewinsky.” That later proved to be a big, fat whopping lie when Clinton’s semen turned up on that woman’s dress.
Some will say this trivializes the Clinton presidency. Perhaps. But we are also accepting “You better get some ice on that.” Said to Juanita Broaddrick after, she claims, he violently raped her at Little Rock’s Camelot Hotel.
Abraham Lincoln’s second inaugural address used the word “God” fourteen times. Ronald Reagan’s second inaugural address used the words “free” or ”freedom” nineteen times. Bill Clinton’s second inaugural address used the word “consensual” six times.
Before becoming president, as well as during his presidency, Clinton kept handling the help. Most significantly, as governor, he’d used state troopers to bring Paula Jones, a low-level state employee, to his hotel room, where he proceeded to drop his pants and say, “Kiss it.”
Jones fled the room, told several friends about it, but took no further action until years later, when she returned to Little Rock and found out a national magazine had identified her as one of Clinton’s bimbos.
By then, Clinton was president, so when Jones held a press conference to tell the truth about what had happened in that hotel room, it should have been huge news — right? Instead, the president clammed up, his lawyer called it “tabloid trash,” and Clinton’s PR team in the media decided Jones was just “some sleazy woman with big hair coming out of the trailer parks.”
To defend her name, Jones sued Clinton under the 1964 Civil Rights Act — heretofore the most sacred law in the nation! — for discriminating against her on the basis of sex. Sexual harassment is a form of sex discrimination.
Cut to legal commentators, including at the New York Times — but not Ann Coulter — predicting that the Supreme Court would not allow Jones’s suit to go forward. The Court ruled, 9-0, Ann was right.
Jones’s attorney’s promptly sought “other women” for evidence, in order to show that Clinton’s assault on Jones was part of his pattern and practice.
Among the women who’d had their own sexual encounters with the horny hick — voluntary, involuntary or violent — were Broaddrick, Kathleen Willey, Gennifer Flowers, Dolly Kyle Browning, Elizabeth Ward Gracen, Sally Perdue, several dozen cocktail waitresses along the I-81 corridor between Little Rock and Washington, and… White House intern Monica Lewinsky. (The phrase “White House intern” would soon acquire a salacious undertone.) Lewinsky had been blathering to everyone about how she was earning her “presidential kneepads” under Clinton, including Linda Tripp in tape-recorded phone calls.
Jones’s lawyers found out about Lewinsky, the tapes, the president’s subornation of perjury and — oh to have been a fly on the wall during Clinton’s deposition! It must’ve become very clear to Clinton, very fast, that Jones’s lawyers knew everything.
Now do you know a woman named Monica Lewinsky?
At any time were you and Monica alone together in the Oval Office?
Have you ever given any gifts to Monica Lewinsky?
Clinton: “I don’t recall. Do you know what they were?”
A hat pin?
A book about Walt Whitman?
Having taken an oath in an official legal proceeding to tell the truth, Clinton did what one would expect from the president of the United States of America: he lied through his teeth.
At any time were you and Monica alone together in the Oval Office?
Clinton: “I don’t recall.”
Soon, Clinton’s assaults, gropings and pants-droppings were overshadowed by his perjury, obstruction of justice, subornation of perjury and general sociopathic behavior. This is a phenomenon known in the self-help community as “Clinton fatigue” — not to be confused with the lower back pain associated with excessive sexual activity known as “Clinton back.”
He was impeached for lying under oath and obstruction of justice, and gave us another new word:
1. relating to a US president c. 1992-2000, meaning “oily dissembler, shunned by decent society.”
Clinton’s supporters consisted primarily of O.J. attorneys, pornographers and feminists. Luckily, Clinton rarely chose women like Hillary for his sexual predations, so he didn’t have to worry about alienating his feminist base when his conquests later had to be smeared as trailer-park trash.
Half of Clinton’s defenders earnestly claimed to believe his denials, and the other half said that they thought it was totally great that the president was such a horndog. That the two teams cheerfully labored side-by-side proved how little the truth mattered to either camp.
Once it became clear that Clinton had lied under oath, one group of people were almost uniformly appalled by the president’s behavior: attorneys. There can be no “rule of law” — everything lawyers and judges do is pointless — if people can swear to tell the truth in a legal proceeding, then tell lie after lie after lie. The most powerful man in the universe had done just that in front of the whole country.
The Washington Post reported that when Department of Justice attorneys heard tapes of Lewinsky describing how the president had instructed her to lie, “It was really a situation where people were floored.”
Never let it be forgotten that, after Clinton’s perjury had been demonstrated by DNA evidence as well as his own hard-won admission, every single Supreme Court justice boycotted his next state of the union address, even the ones he appointed. Another “first”!
Let it also never be forgotten that not one Senate Democrat voted against Clinton in his impeachment trial.
And finally let it never be forgotten that a Chinese condom manufacturer named one of its condoms “the Clinton,” a fitting tribute to our 42nd president. For when you really, really want to feel her pain.