Donald Trump does Brexit

PART I Donald Trump is less than impressed with Theresa May’s Brexit plan, it seems. ‘I’m not sure that’s what they voted for,’ he says. But how would he do Brexit? Boris Johnson said recently ‘Imagine Trump doing Brexit — what would he do? There’d be all sorts of breakdowns, all sorts of chaos. Everyone…

Tough! But a great lady! Angela Merkel and Donald Trump. Image: LUDOVIC MARIN/AFP/Getty Images
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Donald Trump is less than impressed with Theresa May’s Brexit plan, it seems. ‘I’m not sure that’s what they voted for,’ he says. But how would he do Brexit? Boris Johnson said recently ‘Imagine Trump doing Brexit — what would he do? There’d be all sorts of breakdowns, all sorts of chaos. Everyone would think that he’d gone mad. But you might actually get somewhere.’

Well, let’s imagine …

June 24, 2016

5 a.m. The votes are in and Britain has elected to leave the European Union. Prime Minister Trump leaves Downing Street and calls a special…


Donald Trump is less than impressed with Theresa May’s Brexit plan, it seems. ‘I’m not sure that’s what they voted for,’ he says. But how would he do Brexit? Boris Johnson said recently ‘Imagine Trump doing Brexit — what would he do? There’d be all sorts of breakdowns, all sorts of chaos. Everyone would think that he’d gone mad. But you might actually get somewhere.’

Well, let’s imagine …

June 24, 2016

5 a.m. The votes are in and Britain has elected to leave the European Union. Prime Minister Trump leaves Downing Street and calls a special press conference at his golf course, Turnberry, in Scotland.

7.15 a.m. The Prime Minister arrives by helicopter and puts on a Make Turnberry Great Again baseball cap. ‘This is a beautiful, beautiful day,’ says Trump. ‘I’m going to be honest with you, it’s historic and I think if wasn’t for me this wouldn’t have happened. I think I did this, it’s true. We took our country back. It’s very special. My mother was Scottish. Boy, she loved the Queen. I think she would be looking down today, so proud.’

A reporter asks how Scots are meant to feel proud since the majority of them voted to remain in the EU. ‘BBC?’ replies Trump. ‘I thought so. Fake news. I think the people of Scotland are going to be very happy.’ He then references Braveheart: ‘A great film, some say the greatest. I’m not sure I agree. But historic.’

Trump explains to reporters how the European Union tried to prevent him developing his Irish golf course, Doonbeg. ‘These people are nasty people. They are tough but they don’t understand how to negotiate. I do.’ He points to the newly elevated 14th tee at Turnberry and says: ‘Look at that tee, so beautiful, elevated. We are going to do that with a whole country now. I’m going to call it Freedom Day. I like that. I do.’

2.15 p.m. Details of a special Brexit cabinet are revealed on Twitter. Nigel Farage, Trump declares, will be Foreign Secretary, and Piers Morgan Freedom Minister.

June 25

8 a.m. As Donald Trump leaves Downing Street, a reporter asks him if he will be triggering Article 50. ‘Absolutely not. Article 15 is a disaster. I disavow.’

2 p.m. Freedom Minister Piers Morgan publishes a statement explaining why Prime Minister Trump is never going to trigger Article 50. ‘Read The Art of the Deal and you’ll understand,’ says Morgan. ‘It’s all about leverage.’

3.47 a.m.

June 29

Prime Minister’s Questions. Answering a question from the Right Honourable Jeremy Corbyn about school meals, Trump replies: ‘I may trigger Article 50. Maybe. I dunno. It’s interesting. Maybe I don’t trigger and then you say to me in five months, “Hey Donald, why didn’t you trigger Article 50?” We’ll see.’

June 30

Trump stuns the world by releasing his Taking Our Country Back Bill. Its key points include:

  • The United Kingdom will leave the European Union, with immediate effect, on July 20.
  • The UK will build a wall on the Northern Irish border. Construction to start within four years.
  • The UK will demand reparations from the EU totalling £420 million.

July 4

July 10

The Democratic Unionist Party announces a special Easter Trump Parade to honour Britain’s Prime Minister.

July 11

Donald Tusk, Guy Verhofstadt and Jean-Claude Juncker meet Prime Minister Trump in Downing Street for emergency talks.

7 p.m. Some of the conversation is leaked to Der Spiegel and published online.

Juncker: ‘Mr President, please be reasonable.’

Trump: ‘You seem like a good guy.’

Verhofstadt: ‘In Belgium, we admire men of business, men who get things done …’

Trump: ‘I’ve always said Belgium was one of the best companies, maybe in the world. So many assets. Belgium, great leadership.’


July 18

The actor Benedict Cumberbatch is arrested for assaulting Freedom Minister Piers Morgan on Whitehall. It is revealed that Cumberbatch, Alastair Campbell, Lily Allen and Richard Branson are part of a secret STOP TRUMP cell, who have been meeting regularly at the offices of the pop-up pro-remain newspaper, the New European.

July 19

9 a.m. Standing outside Downing Street, Trump announces he will be pausing Brexit until further notice: ‘We’re going to do a deal. I’m a great negotiator.’ He also announces that he will be meeting Francois Hollande and Angela Merkel for a ‘Make Europe Great Again’ summit in Ireland, at his Doonbeg Golf Course, on August 5.

August 5

Doonbeg, Ireland. Trump, Hollande and Merkel talk for two hours. As they walk out of the clubhouse, Trump is overheard telling the German Chancellor that she has ‘amazing skin’. He then tells reporters: ‘It’s going very well. I think we are going to sign something right now, as a matter of fact. We may even stay in Europe but it won’t be called Europe any more.’

Trump’s press team circulates a video he showed to Merkel and Hollande on an iPad, directed by Guy Ritchie. ‘Is this the future?’ says the narrator, Ray Winston, over the top of black-and-white footage of Nazi troops marching through Paris. ‘Or is this?’ The footage changes to show a happy Scottish boy playing golf, a happy French boy playing the piano and a fat German girl eating a strudel. ‘Three leaders,’ says Winston. ‘Two Futures. One destiny. Make it happen.’

4 p.m. At a press conference, Trump talks of his deep love of Germany. ‘I’m from German stock,’ he says. ‘It’s in my blood. I understand the people. The Nazis they did some bad things, but, like they say, they always made the trains work.’

Freedom Minister Morgan informs the press that Trump hasn’t slept for four days. ‘He just keeps going,’ says Morgan. ‘The man is superhuman.’

7 p.m. Trump flies home.

August 20

The FTSE 100 Index soars, hitting its highest point in a millennium. Financial analysts can’t begin to understand why. Prime Minister Donald Trump takes credit.

August 22

Police are searching for the Sunday Times journalist Tim Shipman, who hasn’t been seen for three days. Shipman, who is writing a book about Brexit entitled Summer Madness, was last spotted in the Westminster Arms pub, murmuring that ‘nothing makes any sense’.

August 27

2 p.m. Standing outside Downing Street, Trump announces that his government will renationalise the railways and privatise the National Health Service. ‘We’re taking our country back,’ he says. Trump outlines plans for an extensive new high-speed rail network, which he says the European Union will pay for. ‘There’s a lot of work to do,’ says Trump, refusing to take any questions. Freedom Minister Morgan confirms that Trump hasn’t slept for 16 days. ‘He keeps fighting,’ says Morgan. ‘He’s more energetic than ever.’

2.45 p.m. Jean-Claude Juncker, visibly drunk, confirms that special European Central Bank funds will cover the costs of Britain’s new £35 billion rail system, but adds that he hopes Britain will now remain part of the European Union.

5 p.m.


September 14, 2016

Jean-Claude Juncker briefs journalists that Europe’s funding of Britain’s £35 billion rail system will not be going ahead. ‘Britain’s Prime Minister should not threaten us,’ he said. ‘We will not be intimidated. Mr Trump must either trigger Article 50 or agree that Britain is still part of Europe – and stop blackmailing us.’

September 21

Donald Trump announces a special STOP ISLAMIST GANGS SEX GROOMING police unit to operate ‘strictly in the north of England, especially in Portsmouth.’

October 9

9 p.m. Donald Trump sacks Foreign Secretary Nigel Farage, amid reports that Farage and his patron Arron Banks were speculating in the financial markets on the result of the EU referendum. At a special press conference, Trump says ‘it’s a sad day’ and he and Nigel Farage still have a ‘great relationship.’ Laura Kuenssberg of the BBC asks if Farage’s removal was triggered by reports of financial chicanery. ‘Another beauty,’ said Trump. ‘I have no comment.’ Freedom Minister Piers Morgan is recorded afterwards telling MPs that Trump felt ‘deeply disappointed in Nigel’. Morgan denies that Jacob Rees-Mogg will be joining the cabinet.

October 10

Freedom Minister Piers Morgan is sacked. Jacob Rees-Mogg is appointed Secretary for Taking Our Country Back.

October 19

Mr Trump declares that Britain will now be leaving the European Union on Independence Day, June 23rd 2017. ‘It’s irreversible! I don’t need Parliament,’ says the Prime Minister.

October 17

Fifteen senior British civil servants resign from government. In a letter to the Times, they declare that ‘Prime Minister Trump’s Brexit position is incomprehensible. It is unclear whether he truly wants to leave the European Union, whether he just expects the European Union to pay for all his vast infrastructure projects, or whether he somehow thinks he can achieve both.’ Donald Trump announces he will not replacing anybody who resigns over Brexit. ‘I don’t need them,’ he tells reporters as he enters the restaurant Le Gavroche that evening, with Melania Trump, who is wearing a sequinned Jacket that says ‘Don’t Mention The War’ in gold lettering on the back (Bella Freud: £6,400). Her spokesman Milo Yiannopoulos tells Facebook: ‘You can’t all hate Melania just because she is fabulous.’

November 7

Prime Minister Trump calls a special conference to announce he will now no longer to talk to the European Union. ‘I don’t really understand what anything of these guys do,’ he says. ‘Seriously, who are they?’ He adds that, from now on, he will pause all negotiations until France has a new President. ‘Francois Hollande needs to go work for the EU,’ he says, ‘The guy is a loser.’

November 19th

President Trump flies to Moscow for a ‘Freedom Summit’ hosted by Vladimir Putin and attended by various Eastern European politicians. Putin makes a speech calling the Prime Minister ‘a creative genius’ and says that ‘great times call for great leadership.’

December 13

Michel Barnier resigns as European Chief Negotiator for the United Kingdom Exiting the European Union. ‘There is no point,’ he says. ‘You shouldn’t negotiate with terrorists. You can’t negotiate with Donald Trump.’

January 10, 2017

Trump continues to refuse to negotiate with the EU. The economy begins to suffer, and international companies begin laying off large numbers of British workers. Jean-Claude Juncker says Britain will be removed from the European Union if the British government does not co-operate with the EU. He further suggests sanctions on Great Britain could be imminent. Trade between Britain and Europe starts to freeze.

January 22

A YouGov survey suggests that Donald Trump’s ‘positive’ rating has hit an all-time high of 65 per cent.

February 8

Prime Minister Trump flies to Germany for a meeting with Angela Merkel and the leaders of all EU countries apart from France. The leaders spend four hours together. Trump leaves without talking to reporters. A press conference is cancelled. However, Ms Merkel says ‘great progress has been made.’

February 17

11 a.m. In a 20-minute speech at Lancaster House, Donald Trump declares that, with Germany’s help, he will be scrapping the European Union and replacing it with ‘Greater Europe’. ‘No more of this madness of Brussels. We’re all taking our countries back!’ Jacob Rees-Mogg explains that ‘Greater Europe’ will be a free trading bloc without freedom of movement. ‘It’s still early days,’ he says, ‘but we remain confident.’

12 p.m. At an emergency press conference, Angela Merkel declares that although a ‘Greater Europe’ solution had been discussed, the idea was ‘not accepted or acceptable’. The visibly frustrated Chancellor says Prime Minister Trump was ‘talking, as usual, without responsibility.’

February 18

Jacob Rees-Mogg resigns as Secretary for Taking Our Country Back, citing ‘irreconcilable differences’ with the Prime Minister.

February 19

Ivanka Trump, working with William and Kate, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, launches a new mental health charity called Mind Control for the ‘victims of Brexit’ and ‘to stand up to online bullying’. Leaving 10 Downing Street, Trump tells reporters he is ‘so, so proud’ of his daughter, then adds: ‘I’ve never seen a shrink. Never have, never will. I’m strong.’

February 25

European leaders hold an emergency ‘Future of Europe’ summit amid polls suggesting that anti-establishment parties are about to storm to victory in Holland, France, Italy, Austria, Germany and elsewhere.

March 1

In a sign of a thaw in relations, a team of EU officials arrives, with Angela Merkel, in Britain. They head to Chequers for a meeting with the Prime Minister.

5 p.m. Jean Claude Juncker, sober and shivering, stuns the world by announcing that a new ‘bespoke’ free trade deal between the UK and the EU will be agreed in the coming days.

March 5

European leaders and the Prime Minister sign a joint agreement to a free trade deal, to take immediate effect once accepted by the British Parliament. Key points include:

  • Britain will retain access to the single market, without paying the European Union.
  • A new hard border will be introduced with Northern Ireland, to be maintained and paid for by The EU.
  • Britain will regain control of its borders, and not comply with EU rules on the free movement of peoples.
  • Britain will have an option to rejoin the European Union in 2020.

4 p.m. Jean Claude Juncker resigns as European Commission president. Angela Merkel announces that she will be campaigning on a new platform to reform Europe as a free-trade bloc of sovereign nations.