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The 2020 election is just around the corner, with Democratic presidential candidates preparing for the Iowa caucuses in early February. Journalists and pollsters are already making predictions as to whether President Donald Trump will win re-election against his TBD progressive opponent.
But true politicos have their eyes on 2024, the election that will determine if America returns to pre-Trump establishment politics or fully embraces the celebrity outsider.
With some guidance from a recent Axios poll, Cockburn weighs up the latest list of potential frontrunners for each party in the 2024 race.
GOP
Mike Pence
Vice President Mike Pence has successfully set himself up as the natural successor to Trump by making absolutely zero interesting statements since taking office. While he’s seemingly had less agency in this administration than Marlon Bundo, the second rabbit of the United States, it’s actually a brilliant strategy. He avoids upsetting Trump’s ego by stealing the spotlight but is supportive enough that he wins the base. Pence is the sleeper hit for 2024.
Don Jr.
Armed with a New York Times bestselling book and a stunning weight loss (has he been on the ‘tapas and cocaine‘ diet?), Donald Trump Jr. is ready to continue riding daddy’s coattails straight into the White House. Perhaps Don Jr.’s biggest asset is his new girlfriend, Kimberly Guilfoyle, an anti-incel former Fox News host with a smile that rivals Joker. These two are the natural leaders of the new conservative grift-class.
Nikki Haley
Former UN ambassador Nikki Haley successfully wooed young conservatives by standing up for Israel on the world stage and appearing to be the most reasonable member of the Trump administration. However, Haley’s neocon background threatens to seep out every time the president approves a strike on a Middle Eastern country — her fingers are currently twitching over the American flag emojis on her iPhone in the aftermath of the Soleimani killing. Her biggest challenge will be keeping the mask on, but she swears she’s changed!
Ivanka Trump
This soft-spoken and well-groomed top adviser to the president has successfully wielded her father’s love to outlast all of her detractors. Alongside her husband Jared, who would make a dashing first lady, Ivanka has quietly been one of the most influential members of the administration, pushing for paid family leave and the First Step Act. Will Ivanka host intimate tea parties on the trail instead of the mega rallies favored by her father? We can’t wait to find out.
Kanye West
Rapper Kanye West has already announced his intention to run for president in 2024, and if his Oval Office meeting with Trump was any indication, it’s going to be a wild ride. Kanye claims he will easily be elected because his Yeezy apparel brand has created so many jobs. If he keeps his iPhone password as ‘0000’ he’ll be creating quite a few Secret Service and NSA jobs too. ’Ye 2024!
Tucker Carlson
As the champion of the new right populist movement, Tucker will seamlessly combine early-2000s Elizabeth Warren economics with isolationist foreign policy and hardline immigration reforms. Everyone can get on board with preventing endless regime change wars in Montenegro and taking down the sex-crazed spy pandas being imported from China.
Diamond and Silk
No president has ever had a personal hype woman before, but you can’t deny how awesome it would be for Diamond to announce a new policy from the Oval Office as Silk helpfully chimes in, ‘Mhm!’ and ‘That’s right!’ While these two would arguably be better suited to the press secretary position, Diamond and Silk’s YouTube success and barnstorming set at CPAC 2019 would set them up for the campaign rallies of the century.
Democrats
Alyssa Milano
The former Charmed actress may be the perfect progressive follow-up to Trump thanks to her affinity for Twitter and her embrace of the Women’s March. She will have the suburban women demographic on lock and will presumably have all of the left-wing witches casting spells in her favor. We don’t see how she can lose.
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
Freshman Democratic congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has captured the national imagination with her Green New Deal and comparisons of migrant detention centers to concentration camps. She will reach the presidential age requirement in late 2024 and, despite her horribly low favorability rating, has the name recognition to make her a viable contender. She’s the boss, how bout that?
Michelle Obama
It’s shocking that the former first lady hasn’t jumped into the 2020 race yet given the lackluster candidates, her high favorability ratings, and her best-selling memoir. It’s fair, though, that she wants to give Barack some more time to windsurf shirtless in Hawaii before they hop back into the political sphere. The images of first lady Melania Trump tearing up her garden in a $600 designer shirt should inspire Michelle to reclaim her throne in 2024.
Ro Khanna
Khanna is a young, pro-Bernie, progressive person of color, but he’s also a self-avowed capitalist. If he can get his profile up, Khanna may be the perfect politician to unite the boomer blue-collar Obama voters with the Democratic Socialists of America (DSA).
Stacey Abrams
Stacey Abrams is still a favorite of the Democratic party and was even invited to give the official response to the State of the Union in 2019. No one is really sure what her credentials are or what makes her so appealing, but we do know she was the true winner of the Georgia gubernatorial election against the evil racist Brian Kemp. Justice will be served in 2024.
Scarlett Johansson
As a proud woman of color, Scarlett Johansson has the ability to level the rest of the field with her A-list Hollywood connections. Rumor has it Harvey Weinstein may even contribute to her campaign from his future prison cell.
Oprah Winfrey
You get a vote, you get a vote, everybody gets a vote! Oprah has been providing inspiring stories and free cars to audiences of middle class Americans for long enough that she should be a shoo-in for the presidency. She’s also got the business acumen to rival Trump and an excellent rags-to-riches story.
