Elon Musk’s Twitter is holding a massive auction to sell its surplus office assets — and it is quite an eclectic selection. Cockburn is wowed by what the company’s old guard has blown on superfluous products (the Kegerators, however, were an excellent choice). Here are some of the most interesting “assets” Twitter is liquidating.
With a current bid of $35,500, this display tops the list for expensive lots. Ideal for anyone who wants a giant glowing bird in a booth for their living room. At ten feet tall, you may have to carve a hole in the ceiling to fit it into your home.
Want to save a little money but still have a giant blue bird? This lot is the right fit for you! With a current bid of $30,500, this statue will always remind you to send your hourly tweet.
Currently at $13,000, this lot is the perfect mix of the natural world and technology. While currently filled with artificial plants (Jack Dorsey must not have had much of a green thumb), the description helpfully notes that you can replace them with the real thing one day.
Cockburn feels bad for whoever buys this lot. After being enlightened of the health hazards posed by gas stoves, how could any good and moral person sell such a horrible device in good faith?
Covid may be normalized at this point, but why not prepare for the next pandemic? You’ll never have to worry about finding masks again with this lot of 61,000+ masks! If you live in a blue state, having these in your basement is an excellent insurance policy — you never know what health requirement your governor is going to impose next.
This lot is great for all of those CIA agents in need of somewhere to make a call. Jokes aside, this might be one of the places Twitter execs went when they needed to scheme about censoring content — er, removing false content — relating to the Hunter Biden laptop story.
Cockburn can’t understand why Musk would want to sell these — doesn’t every office need a stationary bike with a device charging function? Plus, you can help save the environment by generating your own electricity!