After ten years of dating artsy Brits, Miss Americana has finally returned home. The affections of Taylor Swift, national sweetheart, have been claimed by one of our own — the vital, bearded, heartland hero, Travis Kelce. The Achaeans have at last returned from the bloodied shore of the Hellespont, bearing Helen among their prizes.
Whether Swift’s latest relationship with the Kansas City Chiefs tight end is a victory for the country depends on your political persuasion, but regardless the drama surrounding Swift and her latest beau has been a wild ride.
Rumors began to swirl about the singer’s new romance after she was spotted cheering on Kelce at a Chiefs game this Sunday and — this seals the deal for Cockburn — sitting next to his mother. Not only did the couple leave the Arrowhead Stadium in the same car, but they acted “very affectionate” during an afterparty at the Prime Social rooftop bar, according to Entertainment Tonight.
Weeks before the game, the couple had been spending time together privately and last Wednesday, Kelce’s brother Jason confirmed that their relationship was “100 percent true.”
“Swift likes that Kelce ‘pursued her’ and the pair are having a ‘great time’ getting to know each other,’” a source told ET News. “Taylor wants a guy that into his career, does his own thing, but is also supportive and understands her, and Travis fits those qualities.”
Cockburn isn’t surprised that Swift has finally tired of dating sad, skinny Brits. But he’s also not convinced that the budding relationship isn’t just a calculated merger of America’s two biggest brands — the NFL and a pop star. Kelce has also recently plugged Pfizer and Bud Light, so it should come as no surprise that he’s plugging T-, sorry, forgive Cockburn his churlishness.
Just this weekend, Kelce posted an advertisement on Instagram, in partnership with Pfizer, urging his followers to get an updated Covid-19 booster. And over the summer, he appeared in a fifteen-second Bud Light ad in which he grunts along with overweight, middle-aged men enjoying beer.
Kelce will be in trouble if this recent virtue-signaling can’t make up for his franchise’s appropriation of Native American culture — the team’s pregame drum line and tomahawk chop celebration. Unless Swift’s fling with the raging fascist Matty Healy (note: not really) has made her less bland, we probably won’t see her leading the drum banging at the next game.
Native American activists are already hailing Swift as their savior. In one video from the game, fans around Swift are seen doing the tomahawk chop, but Swift doesn’t join in. “To us, that hand gesture is synchronized racism,” Rhonda LeValdo, a Native American activist, told TMZ. “We implore Ms. Swift to take the time to understand our perspective and the scientific and psychological research into the harm to youth and communities caused by such behavior.”
And of course, it wouldn’t be a Swift relationship update if her deranged fans, who seem to think they are only a phone call away from their idol, didn’t have an opinion. One Swiftie has already found a glaring issue with Kelce – his aggression. The fan tweeted on Monday a video of Kelce punching a teammate during a practice, implying that he might do the same to Swift. “And FUCK YOU if you think i don’t have a right to be concerned about this man being with taylor,” the fan tweeted.
Cockburn is sure football fans are not happy with the invasion of their space by the largest cult in history. Sunday’s game was overshadowed by Swift’s presence at the stadium where, rumor has it, she invented the sport of football. Sportscaster Erin Andrews got quarterback Patrick Mahomes to admit that Swift was basically responsible for the team’s win against the Bears. “Do you realize how much pressure was on you from the Swifties to get Travis Kelce a touchdown with Taylor in the house today,” Andrews asked Mahomes. “I felt a little bit of pressure, so I knew I had to get it to Trav,” he responded.
Cockburn hopes that Swifties will go a bit easier on Kelce going forward. The road to love hasn’t been easy for him. The football player revealed on the New Heights podcast in July that he had tried to give Swift his number via a beaded bracelet during the Kansas City stop on her Eras Tour — but Swift “didn’t want to meet” him. “I was a little butt-hurt that I didn’t get to hand her one of the bracelets I made for her. I took it personal,” he said.