Cockburn has been unlucky in love of late. He’s married. Third time’s the charm, as they say. But for the generations below, the dating world throws up a number of quandaries. In the post-#MeToo era, you can’t meet at work anymore. Bars and clubs took a big hit with Covid. That’s why so many younguns depend on app-based dating these days.
But on Bumble and Hinge (Cockburn’s not well known enough for Raya yet), progressive virtue-signaling is apparently all-too-common. “Swipe left if you’re a Republican” and slogans about “dismantling the patriarchy,” “defunding the police” and “BLM/ACAB” plague the profiles of many users.
What are the alternatives if you’re on the right? Cockburn always thought “church.” Previous attempts at launching “the conservative Tinder” have fallen flat: does anyone remember Righter and its buggy interface? The latest effort comes from former Trump flack Johnny McEntee and Ryann “Kayleigh’s hot sister” McEnany. It’s called The Right Stuff and it launched this month. Early reviews have been… not so great.
Averaging two stars overall in the Apple App Store, the app has been on the receiving end of review-bombing. A number of users have offered the seemingly valid concern that, like Raya, you have to be referred to the app by an existing user. Unlike Raya, the purpose of this is to certify that you are in fact a conservative.
One review, entitled “Socialist App in Wolves Clothing,” complains, “How am I supposed to marry the next woman of my dreams (preferably she has a great life insurance plan) when it’s invite only?… This app is actually funded by Bill Gates. What happens is they take your photo and information and store it in a database that will be used in the future as a way to exterminate all of us conservative Christian’s [sic].” Huge if true.
“Can’t rate it if they don’t let you in!” another user complains. “How stupid that you have to get you’re [sic] friends to invite you to a dating app. All my friends are married and shouldn’t be using a dating app.”
Another commonly aired grievance was about the gender ratio. “Didn’t see any women on here,” a reviewer writes. “Would be great if there were women on here instead of a sausage party.”
But other one-star reviews are, unsurprisingly, conspicuous trolls.
“It’s a good app but there’s no women?” reads another one-star review. “I love my country. I love the second amendment. And I love God. These days it’s hard to find a woman who matches my patriotism. My faith. And so after being ghosted by every match on Tinder, I decided to give this app a try. I created my profile, uploaded a selfie of me sitting in my truck with sunglasses, and it worked great. The interface was intuitive and easy to use. But the weird thing is, I couldn’t find any women on it. I don’t know, maybe the app is bugged? I tried switching my preference to men (just to make sure it was working) and loads of handsome men came up. I hope the developers fix this.”
“Fair warning to all women,” a third one-star review reads. “I tried to join to see all the men in my area that I should avoid but unfortunately I will just need to continue using the sex offender registry.
“DNA SAMPLE REQUIRED TO USE,” another app reviewer writes. “Makes you submit a DNA sample to get off waiting list. This is clearly a big govt plot by republicans. Not freedom!!”
“Some of the questions/answers that you can add to your profile look like stuff the FBI would like to know. (ex. opinion of Jan 6),” one user writes, in a one-star review headlined “FBI Honey Pot.”
“UNSAFE,” cries another one-star reviewer. “I answered the question about January 6th honestly and the next day I have two police officers at my door telling me that they got a call alleging that I was involved in domestic terrorism???” This app was clearly created by Democrats as a way to subvert our constitutional rights as conservative Americans. DO NOT USE THIS APP UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE HARASSED BY LEFT WING FASCISTS.”
“I’m divorced and waiting for my other allied friends to be divorced so I can meet some trump-ets on this app,” a troll writes. “Still upset on the exclusion and the strange ‘check for invite’ system.”
Fortunately for The Right Stuff founders, some trolls did leave five-star reviews. “No women,” reads one. “As a gay man this is my jam. So many hot men.”
Cockburn thinks there’s a gap in the market for an easy-to-use dating app for conservatives with a smooth interface. If The Right Stuff is it, however, they’ll have to take on Big Tech to get the App Store review section cleaned up.