Prince Harry has bared his soul in explosive interviews for the publicity of his upcoming memoir, Spare. Just kidding. Naturally Humdrum Haz is droning on about the same obscure claims he and his wife have been recycling for the past two years. The evil "institution," the big bad press and the mystic royal "they," who seems to be a nonbinary Illuminati-like figure pulling the strings of the entire British Isles.

This time, with ITV’s Tom Bradby, the Duke claimed, “I would like to get my father back. I would like to have my brother back.” Who...

Prince Harry has bared his soul in explosive interviews for the publicity of his upcoming memoir, Spare. Just kidding. Naturally Humdrum Haz is droning on about the same obscure claims he and his wife have been recycling for the past two years. The evil “institution,” the big bad press and the mystic royal “they,” who seems to be a nonbinary Illuminati-like figure pulling the strings of the entire British Isles.

This time, with ITV’s Tom Bradby, the Duke claimed, “I would like to get my father back. I would like to have my brother back.” Who could possibly imagine why King Charles and Prince William might want to keep Harry at arm’s length? Anyone?

“It never needed to be this way,” the prince said. He wanted a family, not an institution! Yet seemingly everyone but Harry can see that he picks and chooses when he wants either. Here we have a couple demanding to be called by their titles, which they have continued to monetize since stepping down from the royal family, while still attempting to claim they’re just M-and-H-from-the-block.

The vile, institutionally racist and near-suicide-inducing institution can’t be that bad though. If it was, why would the duke and duchess keep complaining about their children, Archie and Lilibet, not getting grand enough titles? Upon Archie’s birth, the pair had the option of giving him the Scottish noble title of the Earl of Dumbarton. Sources at the time claimed that they didn’t because, “they were worried about how that might look.” No final decisions about what the Sussex children will be titled has been made yet — a source told the Daily Mail that nothing will be decided “until the King is confident that the decision he makes can withstand any activity on either side in the long term — and they are not in that place right now.” Don’t hold your breath, Charlie.

Several family members before them have opted not to bestow titles upon their children. Princess Anne, who famously hates the fuss, gossip and self-promotion, declined fancy titles for her children Zara and Peter. Years later, she told Vanity Fair that “there are downsides to having titles,” with her daughter Zara, telling the Times of London in 2015 that she considers herself “lucky” not to have an HRH title.

Then there’s the “they.” Throughout Meghan and Harry’s crusade for “their truth,” they have continuously alluded to “they,” a amorphous figure or set of figures who would call up veteran royal reporters to share intimate information, such as what color Harry and Meghan’s new curtains were. We suspect that Harry is talking about the Queen’s most senior courtiers, but perhaps he means those who advise Charles or William.

Lastly, Harry says that “You know, the family motto is ‘never complain, never explain,’ but it’s just a motto.” Apparently the Windsors just can’t stop running their mouths. That’s why Wills and Kate’s royal posteriors are parked on any sofa that will have them, as the Prince and Prince of Wales spill the dirty secrets of their nearest and dearest. Oh wait!

“Silence is betrayal,” Harry claimed. I’m sure that the Windsors, who have had to stay silent throughout multiple attempts to slander them, would disagree. Maybe the $20 million book deal has played a part in making Harry so chirpy.