Why must we see Jeff Bezos’s penis?

If reports are true, Jeff Bezos’s penis is on the verge of going viral — waltzing off alone into the great unknown of cyberspace and there, under the glare of a billion eyeballs, having its power as an agent of chaos and shame amplified immeasurably.

As you read this, you can be sure battalions of Bezos lawyers are working around the clock to keep the Bezos penis where it has hitherto always been: billeted, shrouded, presumably, in the comfortable privacy of mankind’s finest breathable linens. Good luck to them, for they will have their work cut out. If the National Enquirer really does have the close-up photos it is claimed it has, and is minded to publish them, then precedent suggests no power on Earth will be able to silence the little fella’s cry freedom. And then onto each of us will fall the heavy duty of witness. Are you really sure you’re ready for that?

Since his ‘sexts’ to Lauren Sanchez went public earlier this month, Bezos has come in for much mockery. Personally, I think the messages are rather lovely – gentle adumbrations of a constant longing rather than the dry throated vocalizations of a knickers-off urgency. ‘I want to smell you, I want to breathe you in. I want to hold you tight…I want to kiss your lips…I love you. I am in love with you.’ There’s nothing there that will cause me to pause or feel queasy before redeeming the Amazon voucher I was gifted by my mother for Christmas. And who hasn’t struggled in the face of a blank piece of paper, or phone screen, to articulate feelings of deep affection in a way that doesn’t seem idiotic? There’s a reason we celebrate Shakespeare. It’s very hard indeed. Affection, I mean, not the other thing.

That said, it’s only human to relish a potential dick pic indignity befalling the world’s richest man. Once out there there’s no getting it back, we all know that, $140 billion in the bank or no. But the reason we’re unendingly fascinated by leaked intimate images of nude celebrities – and lately they seem to come at us with a frequency that is scarcely credible – isn’t because we’re disgusted. The opposite. We’re relieved. The photos (or videos) are proof positive they’re just like us, the rich and famous. Look: an ill thought out photo of a gleaming erection to demonstrate beyond argument the world’s most successful man operates, just like you, within the often ridiculous parameters of the human condition. Master of the universe, perhaps, but slave to his passions. Feel better now? It’s no cakewalk, being a human male. Not appearing daft can be a full time job.

For my part, I hope the Bezos dick pics never see the light of day. Because what’s the point of this ever quickening technological march if we lose the ability to send a simple picture of our genitals to one another in peace? Kingsley Amis is credited with saying being a man is like spending ‘50 years chained to an idiot’ and he was right. But we know that already. It’s been established again and again and again. Must we really now set the Bezos dick free to have it proved afresh? ‘You can’t fight chemistry,’ Bezos apparently told Sanchez. He’s right. Nor biology. Give the guy a break.