Is affordability a hoax perpetrated by the fake news media?

According to a proposal filed by US Customs and Border Protection, travelers coming to the US from more than 40 countries may soon have to provide detailed social-media histories and a selfie in order to gain admittance. This will help restrict flow from countries like the UK, France, Japan and Germany, all of which the US has fought against in wars at some time in history.

But lest you think these new standards represent some advanced level of paranoid xenophobia, be assured that a careful screening of visitors is actually in the United States’s best interest. I’ve applied for jobs before, and have applied to be a contestant on an infinite number of game shows. The US is simply looking for unproblematic visitors with good personalities who might also make good TV.

As it happens, The Spectator has got a hold of this new Customs and Border protocol. The screening questions make a lot of sense. We present them here unedited, or at least only slightly edited. Anyone who meets these standards will be able to enter the US, but we will only allow accompanying children to bring two dolls.

•What would your friends and family say you like most about America, the greatest country in the history of the world? Please be specific. Also please provide email addresses, social media handles and selfies of all friends and family, and also tell us what they like about America.

•Do you believe that affordability is a hoax perpetrated by the fake news media and the Democrats?

•Has your country been ripping our country off for years?

•Would you describe yourself as a competitive person? Do you think you’re better than Americans? Do you believe in giving unfair advantages to people from rotten hellhole countries?

•Please list all fake media sources that you consume. Be specific. Provide dates, URLs and screenshots from the lamestream news.

•Are you a man who plays woman’s sports?

•On a scale of 1 to 100, how great do you think America, a really great country, some say the greatest country, is right now?

•What’s the highest level of education you’ve achieved? Do you think that makes you special? Universities are full of really rotten people who hate America.

•America was dead for years under Sleepy Joe Biden, completely cold. In the toilet. But now we’re hot. Some say we’re steaming. Would you agree?

•Are you a member of a terrorist organization like Hamas, Hezbollah, Antifa, The Democratic Party, CNN, Taylor Swift, or the San Diego Padres?

•Some people are saying that some people from your country are not very good people. We’re not saying that exactly, but some people are. What would you say to that? Are you one of those people?

•If you were steel, would you be American-made steel or foreign-made steel?

•Do you take Tylenol or give Tylenol to your kids? Stop doing that. Don’t take Tylenol.

•Are you doing fat shots or any other type of drug that your country charges less for than American companies because they’ve been ripping us off for decades?

•This land is my land. It is not your land. If you don’t get off, I’ll blow your head off. Do you agree?

•Here are pictures of a whale, a goat and a tiger. This is a very difficult cognitive test. Can you identify each? If so, then you’re as smart as our President.

•Please record a one-minute video expressing your desire to visit America. Make sure your face and torso are clearly centered. No fatties or uglies. Make sure an American flag and President Trump’s face are clearly in the background.

•America welcomes you, unless it doesn’t!