The most amusing parts of the Donald Trump federal indictment

‘Wouldn’t it be better if we just told them we don’t have anything here?’

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Former president Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate (Getty)
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The Department of Justice has unsealed the federal indictment of former president Donald Trump.

Special Counsel Jack Smith details how the classified documents Trump improperly took from the White House included “information regarding defense and weapons capabilities of both the United States and foreign countries; United States nuclear programs; potential vulnerabilities of the United States and its allies to military attack; and plans for possible retaliation in response to a foreign attack.” The forty-nine-page filing goes on to say that “the unauthorized disclosure of these classified documents could put at risk the national security of…

The Department of Justice has unsealed the federal indictment of former president Donald Trump.

Special Counsel Jack Smith details how the classified documents Trump improperly took from the White House included “information regarding defense and weapons capabilities of both the United States and foreign countries; United States nuclear programs; potential vulnerabilities of the United States and its allies to military attack; and plans for possible retaliation in response to a foreign attack.” The forty-nine-page filing goes on to say that “the unauthorized disclosure of these classified documents could put at risk the national security of the United States, foreign relations, the safety of the United States military and human sources and the continued viability of sensitive intelligence collection methods.”

The document lists thirty-seven counts against Trump: thirty-one for willful retention of national defense information; one for conspiracy to obstruct justice; one for withholding a document or record; one for corruptly concealing a document or record; one for concealing a document in a federal investigation; one for scheming to conceal, and one for making a false statement. Trump’s body man, a US Navy valet called Waltine Nauta, has been named as a co-conspirator.

Serious stuff, needless to say. Yet unsurprisingly, given the president who was the focus of the probe, the forty-nine pages also contain moments of levity. In parts, it reads more like a Coen Brothers script than a federal indictment.

‘My papers’

From January to March 2021, boxes of these documents were stored on the stage of the Mar-a-Lago White and Gold Ballroom. Nauta then moved some of the boxes to the business center in April 2021. When a Trump employee texted a colleague to ask if the boxes could be moved from the business center, they got this response: “Woah!! Ok so potus specifically asked Walt for those boxes to be in the business center because they are his ‘papers.’” The Justice Department’s indictment centers on the idea that they were not, in fact, his papers.

‘Potus had my phone’

In December 2021, Nauta went into the storage room and found several boxes of documents spilled onto the floor. He texted a picture to a Trump employee, which visibly showed documents only intended for the Five Eyes intelligence community. The employee replied, “Oh no oh no” and “I’m sorry potus had my phone”. Oops.

‘It is like, highly confidential’

In July 2021, the indictment describes how Trump was interviewed by “a writer and publisher” at his Bedminster club. Reporting prior to the release of the indictment indicates that this author was Trump’s former White House chief of staff Mark Meadows. The indictment recaps how Trump was showing the writer and publisher a proposed plan of attack of a foreign country from a senior military official and the conversation that ensued.

Trump: I just found, isn’t that amazing? This totally wins my case you know.

Staffer: Mm-hm.

Trump: Except it is like, highly confidential.

Staffer: Yeah. (Laughter).

Trump: Secret. This is secret information.

Later in the conversation, Trump debates with a staffer whether he can declassify the document so it can be shared — and says that he can’t do so.

Trump: This was done by the military and given to me. Uh, I think we probably can, right?

Staffer: I don’t know, we’ll, we’ll have to see. Yeah, we’ll have to try to —

Trump: Declassify it.

Staffer: — figure out a — yeah.

Trump: See as president I could have declassified it.

Staffer: Yeah. (Laughter)

Trump: Now I can’t, you know, but this is still a secret.

‘Don’t get too close’

In August or September 2021, the indictment details how Trump met with a PAC representative at Bedminster, and commented on how an ongoing military operation in Country B wasn’t going well. The timing would suggest Country B is Afghanistan. Per the filing, “Trump showed the PAC representative a classified map of Country B and told the PAC representative that he should not be showing the classified map to the PAC representative and not to get too close.”

‘Well look isn’t it better if there are no documents?’

Trump was subpoenaed in May 2022 after not returning documents to the National Archives. He had a conversation with two of his lawyers a couple of weeks after receiving the subpoena, who pressed Trump on the need to respond to it. According to one of the attorneys, Trump said:

“I don’t want anybody looking, I don’t want anybody looking through my boxes, I really don’t, I don’t want you looking through my boxes.”

“Well what if we, what happens if we just don’t respond at all or don’t play ball with them?”

“Wouldn’t it be better if we just told them we don’t have anything here?”

“Well look isn’t it better if there are no documents?”

‘Did you find anything?… Is it bad? Good?’

When the same Trump attorney came to Mar-a-Lago the following month to help the former president comply with the subpoena, the attorney had to seal a Redweld folder containing documents with classification markings. After doing so, Nauta took the attorney to meet Trump, who asked him, “Did you find anything?… Is it bad? Good?”

***

The case laid out in Smith’s indictment appears pretty cut and dry. Then again, many fools have counted out Donald Trump before. He is set to appear in a Miami courthouse Tuesday.