Trump sees the White House as a wedding venue and so should you

Build me up

President Trump, like many of his forebears, is remaking the White House in his own image. The Donald has just finished giving a speech to Republican senators at the “Rose Garden Club” – which he paved over earlier in the year. As he told Cockburn’s colleague Ben Domenech back in February, “We had the press here yesterday. Do you see the women there? They’re going crazy. The grass was wet. Their heels are going right through the grass, like four inches deep.”

Today Trump talked about his latest redevelopment: “We’re building a world-class ballroom,” he told the crowd. “For 150 years they’ve wanted a ballroom… the government is paying for nothing.” The construction work, which began yesterday, was met with outrage when photos of the East Room facade emerged. As Cockburn entered the complex, he could hear the Rolling Stones being played to drown out the noise of the building work.

But the President is far from the first person to make his mark on “the People’s House.” Among the first was Admiral Cockburn, from whom your correspondent takes his name, who took a particularly inventive approach to White House décor by trying to burn it down during the War of 1812. The interior was ruined; scorch marks remain visible to this day. President Taft installed the Oval Office; FDR redesigned and relocated it – and put in a swimming pool, all of which was messy – while Jackie Kennedy oversaw extensive renovations during her tenure as first lady.

Trump, of course, made his name in real estate and construction. As a result he appears determined to tailor the White House for one of its intended purposes: as a wedding venue. The patio for high heels, the luxe ballroom for your first dance, space for a band or a DJ. These changes seem far more sensible than some of Trump’s others (the Presidential Hall of Fame, with Biden’s autopen, is mere trolling – while he does have a lot of gold-framed paintings in the Oval at the moment).

Cockburn thinks the critics should stop clutching their pearls and instead imagine pairing them with a bridesmaid’s dress as soon as the work is complete. He’ll see you on the dancefloor (don’t tell Mrs. Cockburn).

Kitara Kardashian

Like a phoenix from the ashes, George Santos was sprung from federal prison this weekend after a presidential pardon from the Donald.

Santos has been doing the rounds since his release, with a plethora of Fox News hits, an appearance on Meghan McCain’s podcast and a forthcoming tick-tock of his release due out in a notable magazine. In these, he detailed how he’d been kept in solitary confinement for long stretches of his three months in prison.

Santos was sentenced to 87 months after taking a plea deal where he admitted to committing wire fraud and aggravated identity theft.

What’s next for the diva? He has already teased that he will not return to the Empire State. “Sadly it seems that my family and I will be departing the city I’ve called home my entire life,” he posted yesterday. “NYC will become a very dangerous place to live in if we elect mayor Mamdani and that is a risk I am unwilling to take now that I want to start growing my family.”

Cockburn understands a move to the nation’s capital is in the cards – and that Santos plans to borrow from Kim Kardashian’s playbook and work on prison reform advocacy. The Federal Bureau of Prisons can invite him in to tour their facilities and speak his truth.

On our radar

FREE DIDDY? After freeing George Santos, President Trump is reportedly considering commuting Sean “Diddy” Combs’s sentence for sex trafficking, per TMZ’s “high-ranking White House official.” The White House comms office says their report is not true. Watch this space…

FOOL ME ONCE Christopher Moynihan, who was pardoned following his role in the January 6 riot at the Capitol, was arrested Sunday for threatening to kill House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries.

TEXAS SHOWDOWN An aide to married Congressman Tony Gonzales of Texas set herself on fire after having an affair with him, the Daily Mail reported Monday. But her mother told the New York Post that the story “had no merit.”

The Mean Girls Justice Department

Anna Bower is a senior editor at Lawfare, an online legal magazine published in conjunction with the Brookings Institution. Two Saturdays ago, she ran afoul of the Mean Girls Justice Department.

Bower, who holds a J.D. from Harvard Law and is the definition of a good student, played the Cady Herron role. Starring as queen bee Regina George? Lindsey Halligan, recently installed by the President as top prosecutor in the Eastern District of Virginia to oversee the prosecutions of New York Attorney General Letitia James and former FBI director James Comey

As Bower reported in Lawfare, Halligan contacted her on Signal over the weekend, messaging her dozens of times without ever saying anything like “this is off the record” or “on background.” Halligan didn’t like what Bower had been reporting and tweeting about the James case. Their exchange, since verified, went back and forth, ending with Halligan saying, “You’re biased. Your reporting isn’t accurate. I’m the one handling the case and I’m telling you that. If you want to twist and torture the facts to fit your narrative, there’s nothing I can do. Waste to even give you a heads up.”

After doing all her due diligence, Bower also received this email from a Justice Department spokeswoman: “Good luck ever getting anyone to talk to you when you publish their texts.” Also, on Wednesdays we wear pink. And stop trying to make fetch happen.

Subscribe to Cockburn’s Diary on Substack to get it in your inbox on Tuesdays and Fridays.