Facebook
X
LinkdIn
Copy Link
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
In the bars of Mitchell International Airport, the Bloody Marys are freely flowing. Cockburn can’t blame the departing attendees of the 2024 Republican National Convention: anyone who was in the Fiserv Forum for Hulk Hogan’s high-T address yesterday will have felt the need to sink a few cold ones after. Carrying on his form from earlier in the week, Cockburn did precisely that, heading to the irritatingly named Drink Wisconsibly opposite the arena after the conclusion of Trump’s remarks. On the way in he exchanged a respectful nod with former congressman Madison Cawthorn, who was wearing a bottle blonde as a seatbelt across the lap of his wheelchair (Ubers are hard to come by in the Cream City). Just before he’d clocked newly elected MP Nigel Farage, who was soaking up the post-balloon-drop atmosphere with former UKIP general secretary Matt Richardson.
The night before, Cockburn bopped between two parties within the Secret Service perimeter: the Heritage Foundation’s shindig at Uncle Buck’s, which had free food and booze for all attendees, and the Turning Point bash at New Fashioned which… didn’t. After filling his plate with tacos and boneless wings, Cockburn spotted Tennessee congressman Tim Burchett, before heading over to New Fashioned.
The week’s most whispered about parties were taking place at the “Warehouse.” Cockburn somehow managed to score a ticket from a staffer who was too tired to attend — “I’ve been up for forty-eight hours… without cocaine!” he exclaimed. (This gent may have been the only one — despite hundreds of lighters and vapes being confiscated by the TSA upon entry and the anti-drug broadsides on stage, clearly a number of attendees were successful in smuggling Colombian marching powder in.)
At the Warehouse, Cockburn was expecting Eyes Wide Shut-style bacchanalia. Instead he found a free bar, a couple of rooms with live bands and hundreds of members of Congress and their employees. Across the dancefloor he spied the pint-sized Colorado congresswoman Lauren Boebert, shoeless. “We’d call her a pata sucia,” one Hispanic staffer told Cockburn. “She’s definitely leaving with a lobbyist,” his partner noted, “the only uncertainty is which one.”
Clearly they should have had more faith in Congress’s youngest ever grandmother: upon his exit, Cockburn spied her sat with a female associate in the gutter. Hopefully she’d put her shoes on by then:
A Rose among thorns
Congratulations to Amber Rose, who this week became the first party convention speaker in America to be “available now” on OnlyFans during her remarks (check the timestamps). Rose’s remarks were the most warmly received on Monday. “I realized Donald Trump and his supporters don’t care if you’re black, white, gay or straight. It’s all love,” she said.
Some of the socially conservative attendees were a bit put out to see the video vixen — whose stripping career began aged fifteen — embraced by the party of the moral majority. But she secured an excellent seat for Kimberly Guilfoyle’s speech during the Tuesday session, right next to Representative Nancy Mace, two rows behind President Trump.
Cockburn shot this from the convention floor — also spotted: Texas governor Greg Abbott, Florida senator Marco Rubio, Texas congresswoman Monica de la Cruz, New York congresswoman Nicole Malliotakis, Virginia governor Glenn Youngkin, Colorado congresswoman Lauren Boebert and Donald Trump Jr.:
She also garnered the blessing of “Alpha Male” Nick Adams, who Cockburn bumped into on media row. His words: “At the end of the day, Amber Rose recognizes Donald Trump is an alpha male, so that is enough for me. Game recognizes game!”
On beauty
“I feel like I know you from somewhere… did you do pageants with my sister?” asked one attendee.
“…no, I didn’t,” replied Fox News’s Harris Faulkner.
Gingrich grub
Thank you to the many Cockburn readers who sent in Milwaukee food recommendations. He had a spectacular Wiener Schnitzel for lunch at Mader’s with his Spectator colleagues yesterday — where he was one table over from former House speaker Newt Gingrich and his glamorous wife Callista, former US ambassador to the Vatican, who somehow manages to look airbrushed in the flesh. Newt was sipping a pint at noon. Prost!
Desk job
Word is that Amy Klobuchar is still recovering from the Senate gay sex scandal that claimed her desk (first reported by Cockburn, to his eternal chagrin). Klobuchar reportedly shrugged knowingly when asked about the twinks who did their extracurricular activities on her workspace. A spy tells Cockburn that Klobuchar refuses to use the desk until it’s replaced with a fresh one, but that, for whatever reason, whoever furnishes Senate offices still has not given Klobuchar the clean slate she so desires.
Get Cockburn’s gossip column in your inbox every Friday — sign up here.
Leave a Reply