Men: it’s time to bring back sideburns

Our nation’s collective Man Card is on the verge of being rescinded. The number of “lonely, single men” is rising — and testosterone levels are falling. The causes of our macho decline are myriad, but a quick fix is at hand: it’s time to bring back sideburns.

It seems these days that the only facial hair options men who are not Guy Fieri consider are beard or clean-shaven. Gone is the cheeky pencil-thin mustache sported so dashingly by Errol Flynn and the devil-may-care ’burns rocked by Harrison Ford’s Han Solo. The Lionel Richies and Tom Sellecks of the world still play their part in the strong whisker game, but that’s likely owed to the same reason members of ZZ Top could never shave.

Men, lonely, single ones especially, really should be experimenting more with facial hair — and sideburns are the best place to start. They’re easy to grow and look good on everybody. The subtle stubble is also a simple way to ease into letting the world know you’re civilized (trimming sideburns takes skill), yet daring enough to shirk whatever awful consensus said sideburns were best left in the 1970s.

Rich Cromwell writes for The Spectator that conservative men love Lana Del Rey because she is “most definitely still a woman in an age when people struggle to define what a woman is.” I find that we are also struggling to define what a man is. Could part of our gender-blurring be due to the fact that something so definitively manly — cultivating really great facial hair — has been lumped onto the heap of homogenization that defines so much of our sterile, unimaginative culture these days?

Psychology Today points to dating apps as one reason more men are lonely and single today. “Many women are overwhelmed by the number of options they have,” PT reports, and “competition in online dating is fierce.” Well, what better way to stand out from the crowd than by sporting some muttonchops!? I’ve never met a woman who didn’t find Mr. Darcy (Colin Firth’s version, obvi) totally dreamy.

As for PT’s theory that “poor communication” skills are another culprit dooming American men to bachelorhood, let me tell you, a pair of sideburns is worth a thousand words. In high school, it told me which were the bad boys willing to risk a demerit for the sake of looking cool, as hair below the earlobe was outlawed at our Catholic school. And say what you will about his political policies, but what French president Emmanuel Macron says with his sideburns is something we should all support. While his tailored suits and ordinary haircut say I am a typical, middle-aged, successful businessman, his sideburns declare, in a deep baritone, I have more style than your average boardroom chump and I’m not afraid to flaunt my masculine rebel side.

Allow me to illustrate my point. Below is a photo of President Macron alongside British prime minister Rishi Sunak. There’s no denying that Macron’s sideburns distinguish him from his counterpart. Even looking at them straight on, the chops do Macron a favor. They draw the eye to the stylish stripes on the side of his face that emphasize his steely gray eyes and distract from his ears. And ears are objectively always the worst, on anybody.

Sideburns can’t help but give men a self-esteem boost (they were named after a Civil War general, for goodness’ sake!). And when men feel confident, a University of Cambridge study tells us, they experience a “testosterone boost and promiscuous disposition” that increases their confidence in approaching women. Word to the wise: women love confident men, and though robust facial hair may not technically predict a man’s testosterone levels and dominance, science acknowledges that, as of 2021, anyway: “The male beard is one of the most visually salient and sexually dimorphic traits and a hypothesized potential marker of other traits, such as dominance, masculinity, social status, and self-confidence.” 

So men, why not grow a pair (of sideburns) and see what happens? If the object of your desire is not as captivated by facial hair as some of us other females, I guarantee she will at least appreciate you putting forth one iota of the amount of trouble she goes to in trying to attract you.