How to stay sober-smug now that Dry January is over

I simply love being sober. Isn’t it fun? Being totally level-headed throughout the day. Why would you want a glass of red when you can substitute some cranberry juice? January is just the perfect time to give up all of your vices because you get to hear, collectively, how great everybody feels. How much more productive and energetic your pals are after swapping out the Sauvignon Blanc for sparkling water. I’ll probably never have a drink again. I don’t even think about it.

Then there’s the exercise. The only thing better than putting down the bottle is doing it amid multiple gym classes. HIIT class on Mondays, the best day of the week. Then I get to meet up with Jenny for Zumba on Wednesdays. Get those hips moving! Ahhh, I just adore it. Don’t you? And my personal trainer, Taylor, well, he was only supposed to be a January treat, but I’ve really gotten into fitness now so he’s staying. He texts me all the time, to make sure I’m not scoffing down the chocolate after a gym sesh. I can honestly say that I feel like a new person.

It’s February now, so nobody asks about Dry January much anymore. They’re just jealous that they didn’t have the strength to do it. I’ll be the one with the last laugh when they get all haggard and fat. Anywho, it isn’t about me, after all. February is Black History Month and #BHM  has gone straight into my Twitter bio. Right now I’m choosing a Martin Luther King quote to learn by heart so I can recite it to people every morning at work. And then I can give a little wink to Yolanda. She has to know that I’m an ally.

March is my favorite. There are all kinds of special days to prepare for. My personal pick is the National Day of Unplugging, on the third. It’s to make sure that we all have a twenty-four hour respite from technology, to inspire us to have a healthy tech-life balance. I’ll probably do two days. Screw it. I can always use a streak freeze on my Duolingo. C’est la vie! Then, as a treat, we get International Women’s Day. We could do with having a bloody month if you ask me, those brave ladies didn’t burn their bras for nothing! Later in the month is Saint Paddy’s Day. It’s a big one because I’m one quarter Irish Catholic on my great-grandfather’s side, although I’m obviously appalled by the Roe v. Wade ruling. Will have to get some cans of nonalcoholic Guinness in for the hub. He won’t even taste the difference.

In between all of these days is Lent. I’m running out of things to give up, but I’m thinking about chocolate. Before January, I was dead set on giving up gossiping, but my Wednesday Zumba sessions with Jenny have made that nigh on impossible. That woman, you wouldn’t believe the things she comes out with! Taylor just texted me. Online Peloton sesh on the third of March. How on earth am I meant to unplug in that case? Will have to do it next year.

My favorite day in April has got to be the first. April Fools Day. Hub won’t know what’s hit him when I slap a fake positive pregnancy test down in front of him. Absolute classic! Am I right? He’ll need a few 0 percent Heinekens to get over that one. They honestly taste exactly the same. The seventeenth is National Haiku Day. How fun!

Really, I don’t miss
The cold glass of Chardonnay
The sweetness, the tang.

May is for Mental Health Month. I usually pull a sicky for the whole four weeks to focus on mindfulness. My bosses can hardly complain — disabilities aren’t always visible, you know. Hubs gets annoyed because I only get full pay for the first two weeks; after that it’s on him to pay the bills. But he’s fine because he knows it does wonders for my long Covid.

June is my birthday. It’s also the late Queen’s birthday, God rest her soul. Might even break my sobriety to raise a glass to Our Liz. My favorite part of June is Bike Week, where from the fifth to the eleventh you can dust off your bicycle and get those glutes working. I can’t wait!