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Get ready, world. America is back – with shiny, clean hair, glowing skin and a faint aura of L’Occitane Cherry Blossom. And all thanks to Donald Trump, who has signed an executive order unleashing the power of the American showerhead. The order rescinds an Obama era rule which limited the flow of water, as part of “a radical green agenda that made life worse for Americans” as the White House puts it.
2.5 gallons per minute, did you hear? That’s the big, beautiful volume of water roaring through America’s waterpipes now – or at least, it will be, once the freest people in the world have made it to Home Depot and picked up a newer, bigger, better, US-made showerhead. The freest will also be the cleanest. Little drops of water, little grains of sand, make the mighty ocean, and America great again.
There’s certainly nothing like a good shower to improve morale. Conversely, there is no greater persecution than standing under a desultory dribble, trying to pretend it’s the same thing. Nobody knows this better than President Trump. “In my case, I like to take a nice shower, to take care of my beautiful hair,” he told reporters as he signed the order in the Oval Office on Wednesday. “I have to stand under the shower for 15 minutes till it gets wet. It comes out drip, drip, drip. It’s ridiculous.”
And he knows the frustration of lathering in the world’s most expensive shampoo – looking at you, OUAI – only to have it sit stickily in the locks, stubbornly refusing to go away and leave shimmering cleanliness in its place. “I take a shower, I want that beautiful head of hair to be just lathered,” he said in Detroit last June. “I get this – best stuff you can buy – and I dump it all over. And then I turn on the water and the damn water drips out. I can’t get the stuff out of my hair. It’s a horrible thing.”
You have to hand it to him. The man’s playing tariff poker with the entire world, with China glaring at him across the table, but he’s still concerned about the petty little regulations that affect ordinary people.
He makes it sound as if he’s worried about the water for his own sake. But odds are the showerheads at Mar-a-Lago don’t suffer from low water-pressure. Nor, at a guess, do most of the beach houses in Malibu. This executive order won’t make a difference to the rich. It’ll make a difference to the little guy, the regular folks who don’t get away to the Caribbean to unwind.
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why Americans like Trump. He pays attention simultaneously to detail and to the big picture – a quality that smacks of genius. Even more importantly, Trump can express care about people’s well-being both en masse – as socialists claim to – and as individuals.
The en masse approach is what causes petty environmental regulations to restrict showerheads to a subpar dribble. He who dreams of a golden collectivist future is uninterested in the discomfort of insufficiently showered America. It’s good for the little people to suffer for the cause. Never mind if they’re also the ones who manufacture the pumps, lay the waterlines, and pay for the water, the electricity, the showerhead, and the shower. They must still feel the insentient planet’s pain.
But he who dreams of the Golden Age of America right now – he needs the regular folks to feel like human beings again. And that starts with a shave, a shower and a little respect. Lee Greenwood should rewrite his refrain: proud to be an American, where at least I can be clean.
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