Donkey Dow: Fox hunting

Cockburn is introducing the Donkey Dow: a round-up of the movers and shakers in the race to face up against Donald Trump. Here’s how the candidates and contenders fared over the last few days.

To Fox or not to Fox? That is the question our Democratic contenders are wrestling with at the end of May. On the one hand, the wokerati abhor America’s most-watched cable news channel: declining the opportunity to host a town hall there, as Liz Warren and ‘Momala’ Harris did last week scores Twitter brownie points. On the other…those people don’t necessarily vote. You know who does? Fox News viewers. Apparently 10 percent of Democratic voters get their news from what Chris Cuomo brands ‘state TV’. And Trump hates when his BFFs talk about other people. Addressing the other half of the country could be a good move for a struggling candidate. Speaking of which…

Winners

Pete Buttigieg entered the lion’s den on Sunday night, facing down the mighty Chris Wallace in a New Hampshire Fox News town hall. After the rise of Biden the Magnificent, Mayor Pete has a challenge on his hands to show why he’s a more deserving centrist candidate. Highlighting his purple-state credentials seems like a good start, and he earned a few rounds of applause from the Granite State audience. Live free or die, indeed.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have ‘Joementum’. The buzz around Joe Biden continues to grow. This weekend, he officially ‘launched’ his campaign with a rally in Philadelphia. As if the utter drubbing of his rivals in the polls wasn’t enough of a sign that he’s in the race. Resplendent with his signature aviators, Uncle Joe is clearly disturbing Trump: a day after the launch, the president went to Pennsylvania and criticized how the Biden family had abandoned the Keystone State for Delaware when Joe was 11. Is that really all you’ve got?

Losers

The Mike Gravel teens changed their Twitter handle and momentarily lost their blue-tick. Thought those guys were meant to be tech-savvy: get it together kids!

folks we changed our username and lost our verification, we'll have it back within a week or so, apologies for teen incompetence 😐

— Gravel Institute (@GravelInstitute) May 22, 2019

You know who I haven’t thought about in a while? Cory Booker. And Amy Klobuchar. Even Beto O’Rourke. Apparently these three are all still in the running, and have over one percent support across poll averages. But you wouldn’t know it from the tiny number of headlines they’ve been able to secure. They’re all doing more or less the same thing: opposing what Dems see as draconian abortion restrictions, visiting the early states, talking about trade and infrastructure. But none are standing out.

A lot of people might have Elizabeth Warren down as a winner this week. After all, she’s now tying for second with Bernie in Florida and has been slowly gaining across the polls in recent weeks. But unfortunately she had to ruin it all with this cringey faux-natural Game of Thrones discussion with AOC.

It’s been over 24 hours. No more spoiler alerts. Here’s why @AOC and I are officially on #TeamSansa now. pic.twitter.com/WKKHDbFz1M

— Elizabeth Warren (@SenWarren) May 21, 2019

Followers of this column may recall that last week, I praised Bernie for teaming up with Rep. Ocasio-Cortez. Is Cockburn exhibiting a ‘sexist double standard’ by treating Warren’s behavior differently to Sanders’s? I’d argue not: Sanders appeared with AOC at a political rally, which emphasized their similar policy positions. Warren could have done this: instead, she talked about the dragon show with her, and came across like a stepmom trying to prove that she ‘can be fun too!’ Somehow this was more disappointing than the conclusion of the series itself.

While we’re talking about try-hards, don’t put yourself through the discomfort of watching Kamala Harris talk about what music she likes on CNN. It’s too much to bear.

I am genuinely shocked at how bad she is at running for president.pic.twitter.com/hr1DMvDy0v

— Michael Knowles (@michaeljknowles) May 22, 2019

A brief note on Bernie Sanders: he’s getting antsy. The tone of his email blasts has changed to one of desperation, as Biden and Warren pick off his devotees left and right:

‘We are facing a bit of a dilemma on our campaign.

‘We still have more individual donations than anyone else. By a lot.

‘But the truth is that our average contribution has been steadily in decline. You may recall $27 was our average during the 2016 campaign. So far this month it’s about $16.’

Grandpa we talked about this, we’ve got power of attorney because of how you were threatening to spend your money…

Neither here nor there

Kirsten Gillibrand has a Fox News town hall scheduled for early June, presumably in an attempt to double her support from zero to zero.

And Cockburn will not pass judgment on this Eric Swalwell tweet, other than to say: I think this kid has more chance of being elected than his dad does:

My little male feminist celebrating the 100 year anniversary of the suffragists! We’ve come a long way since fighting for (white) women’s right to vote but we still have a long way to go, so that Nelson’s generation knows true equality. pic.twitter.com/szoVQ7SSG4

— Eric Swalwell (@ericswalwell) May 22, 2019

New faces

At last, the highlight of my week: Bill de Blasio. Everyone from Iowa farmers to South Carolina mechanics has been waiting for a candidate they can truly unite behind. Blaz bridges the gap between the rural and the urban: New Yorkers hate him, and now everyone else in the country has a chance to hate him too. He is their gift to America. We should cherish him.