Who could be Mount Rushmore’s fifth head?

Late last week, the New York Times once again floated the idea that President Trump could become the fifth head on Mount Rushmore, to the right of Abraham Lincoln (that’s for sure). He’d be like the fifth Beatle, but yuge. While it’s true that Trump has brought peace to Africa and the Middle East in the last week, and has done an excellent job lining the Oval Office with gold filigree, maybe we should hold off on carving his visage into a mountainside until we see the final fate of the Big, Beautiful Bill.

For Trump’s a jolly good fellow, and what nobody can also deny is that there’s available rock space in South Dakota. The President likes nothing more than a good real-estate deal on undeveloped land. But let’s hold off on clearing headspace for the Donald just yet. There are other candidates to become the fifth head. When the aliens land in thousands of years, or sometime around Christmas of this year, we want them to think: these were their gods.

Ronald Reagan

Trump may be fresh in our minds, but those of us who remember the Reagan years have seen this movie before. Hated by New York liberals. Check. Wore down a long-time ideological enemy. Check. Aged celebrity good looks. Check. Questionable dealings with El Salvador. Check.

Barack Obama

It might be hard getting this one through Congress, but no one should doubt Obama’s historical significance as our first Manchurian candidate president. He always looks great, and would look doubly great on Mount Rushmore. As a bonus, because of his Netflix deal, Obama could fund the carving himself.

Willie Nelson

It’s impossible to find a politician upon whom all Americans can agree. But if any cultural figure can unite Red and Blue America, it’s Willie, that pot-horking Texas redneck legend who loves whiskey and farmers. Willie is pretty much a lib, but having attended many of his shows, I can tell you first-hand that MAGA isn’t going to throw him out of bed for rolling his own. A caveat: his braids might be difficult to carve into the mountainside.

Colonel Sanders

Now that it’s de rigueur to re-rename army bases after traitorous Confederates, maybe the time is ripe to carve the face of Harlan Sanders in stone. With a memorable face this would be a distinctive branding opportunity, and everyone loves fried chicken. As long as Yum! Foods agrees to use beef tallow for frying instead of seed oils, it would be a win-win for America.

Oprah Winfrey

Really, there’s no reason why Mount Rushmore shouldn’t have a female head. Hillary Clinton and Kamala Harris didn’t make it across the finish line. But Oprah will never stop winning. Actually, why not do a dedicated ladies Rushmore on a nearby mountain? Winfrey, Clinton, Harris, Ruth Bader Ginsburg (Ruthkanda Forever), and Caitlin Clark would be my top choices. It’s a bit Dem-leaning, however. Bring me the head of Ayn Rand, or Phyllis Schlafly.

Mark Twain

Trump now runs the Kennedy Center. The Kennedy Center awards the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. Nothing would be more humorous than sculpting Twain’s head into the side of a mountain. Instead of a dedication ceremony, they could have a roast hosted by Joe Rogan and Shane Gillis. This is a good idea.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Let’s face it, FDR would be a more appropriate Roosevelt on the mountain than Teddy Roosevelt, who was certainly the Coolest Guy to ever be president but not the most consequential Roosevelt. While we’re at it, why not replace George Washington with Kerry Washington, Abraham Lincoln with Andrew Lincoln from The Walking Dead, and Thomas Jefferson with George Jefferson? We’re already talking about carving Donald Trump’s face into a mountainside, so let’s lean in to the absurdity.

John F. Kennedy

We wouldn’t put him on Mount Rushmore because it’s easy, but because it’s hard. This actually might not be too controversial because the Kennedys have a representative in the current administration. As a bonus, if a bear wanders into the dedication ceremony, RFK Jr. could fight it, and win.