The White House UFC cage fight

When President Trump said in July that he planned to host a Ultimate Fighting Championship event on the White House lawn next year as part of the U.S.A.’s 250th birthday celebrations, people dismissed it as a typical piece of hyperbole and bluster. “We have a lot of land there,” Trump said, which is somewhat true, but that doesn’t mean that you can plop down an Octagon, right?

Well, as it turns out, that’s exactly what it means. Trump is like that boy in the old Twilight Zone episode. Whatever he wishes, comes true. In an interview with the Wall Street Journal, UFC boss Dana White, one of Trump’s biggest supporters, said that the UFC 250th anniversary (of the U.S.) is definitely going to happen. “Fighters will be warming up in the White House,” White said. “It’s incredible.”

It certainly is, especially when you consider the cultural proclivities of Trump’s two immediate predecessors. On his last day in office, Barack Obama, the ultimate NPR President, had lunch with novelists Dave Eggers, Zadie Smith and Colson Whitehead. Joe Biden spent much of his term hiding, masked and socially distanced. Trump is building a grand ballroom and plans to hold a blood-soaked cage match for the biggest American birthday party in two generations.

The hype possibilities would make the late Don King drool. As it turns out, the current UFC men’s heavyweight champion is a British fighter named Tom Aspinall. Assuming he’s still up top when next summer rolls around, you’d be crazy to not pit him against a scrappy American challenger who has a chance to pull an upset. It would be like recreating the American revolution – in a cage. Maybe mixed martial artist Curtis Blaydes would be a good choice. He’s currently fourth in the world, and is definitely a bad dude. The number two fighter in the world is Cyril Gane, from France. In the spirit of the American Revolution, he could provide financial support, or tag in when Blaydes gets tired.

On the women’s side, there’s no better choice than Bantamweight division champion Kayla Harrison, who’s so American that she’s from a place called Middletown. She’s an absolute beast. Everyone would love to see her take down her number-one challenger, Julianna Peña, “The Venezuelan Vixen.”

But there are other possibilities for the undercard. Why not stick Jake Paul in the ring? He gets ratings. Maybe have him fight Mr. Beast, who’d better start training now. Conor McGregor must appear. Maybe he can fight Jake Gyllenhaal, an enactment of their epic duels from the Road House remake. The political realm has us imagining other fights: AOC versus Nancy Mace. J.D. Vance versus Pete Buttigieg. Collin Allred versus John Cornyn. Of course, RFK Jr. needs to fight a bear, and win. And we know that Trump is going to get into the ring and grab the microphone, but who wouldn’t want to see him go a few rounds with Gavin “Tough Guy” Newsom, or even, better, Vladimir Putin? Let’s settle this Ukraine issue once and for all, not with Alaska diplomacy, but with mano-a-mano bare knuckle combat.

We no longer live in NPR America. NPR is dead. No novelists will be visiting the White House unless Ted Nugent writes a novel. This is Donald Trump’s America, UFC America, let’s get ready to rumble America. Mike Judge’s Idiocracy has come to vivid life. Not Sure will monster-truck duel in the pits with Beef Supreme while President Camacho shoots a flamethrower into the air. UFC. It’s what plants crave. It has electrolytes.

“I don’t give a shit if there’s only one seat at this thing,” Dana White told the WSJ. “This is so monumental and historical and just such a cool thing. All I care about is the Octagon on the lawn and the fight happening with the backdrop being the White House and the Washington Monument.”

It’s so stupid and crazy, it just might work. The ratings will the huge, the biggest ratings ever. Happy birthday, America. It’s time.