Trump’s Squid Games with South Korean President

“WHAT IS GOING ON IN SOUTH KOREA?” President Trump posted over breakfast. “Seems like a Purge or Revolution. We can’t have that and do business there. I am seeing the new President today at the White House. Thank you for your attention to this matter!!!”

Trump wasn’t talking about the global box-office success of K-Pop Demon Hunters, and wasn’t warning about the proliferation of zombies on the Train to Busan. Instead, word had reached Trump of recent raids by the government of newly-elected liberal South Korean President Lee Jae-myung on some conservative churches, including the Unification Church. These were related to documents about the coup that embroiled the country last December and nearly toppled Lee’s newly-elected government.

Trump was right to be concerned about this development, but wisely stayed out of domestic South Korean politics during his pleasant meeting with Lee in the White House this afternoon. They talked of trade deals, and how the US was ahead in them. But mostly, the meeting allowed Trump to adopt his favored posture in world affairs: Bringer of Peace.

Earlier in the day, while signing an executive order that signals the beginning of the end of cashless bail, Trump had some things to say about the endless conflict over the Korean Peninsula. Of North Korean premier Kim Jong-un, Trump said, “I know him better than anybody. Maybe his sister. His sister knows him pretty well. And I liked him. I got along with him very well. I’m not supposed to say that because I’ll get killed in the fake news media, but I liked him. If Hillary Clinton had gotten elected, we would have had a nuclear war. Now we’re not going to have a nuclear war. If that happens, it’s over.”

We thank you, President Trump, for preventing nuclear war in Asia. Lee took a similar tack, heaping praise upon a beaming Trump: “I would like to ask for your role in establishing peace on the Korean Peninsula,” he said, through a translator. “I look forward to your meeting with Kim Jung Un and the construction of a Trump Tower in North Korea and playing golf at that place. I believe he will be waiting for you… Engagement is not an easy thing. And the only person who can make progress on the issue is you Mr. President. If you become the Peacemaker, then I will assist you by becoming the Pacemaker.”

Trump chuckled, beaming like a man gradually falling in love.

“That’s good,” he said. “We can do big progress with North Korea.”

A reporter asked, again, if Trump intended to meet with Kim Jong-Un. Trump, as he usually does, had a story to tell:

“I’d like to have a meeting,” he said. “I get along great with him. You were there. We even had a press conference. Kim Jong-un had his first press conference. This was a little different press conference. I said, have you done a press conference before? No. And you know what, he did great. It was a great press conference. It was historic. I doubt he’s done one since. I said, would you like to meet the fake news? They came in, you’ve never seen anything like it. Then he said ENOUGH. And that was the end. It ended very rapidly. But I think he had a good time.”

Did you remember, Trump said, when I went to North Korea? Some people in the room remembered. But Trump definitely remembered. “Remember when I went and walked across the line and everyone went crazy? Especially Secret Service. And I looked into those windows. And I saw more rifles pointed at me. There were a lot of rifles in that building. The two blue buildings on each side. The Secret Service was not happy with me. I walked up the middle and looked in that building and I saw more guns in that room than I’ve ever seen in my life. I looked at the other side and it was the same thing. And yet I felt safe because I have a very good relationship with Kim Jong-un.”

Trump had managed to avoid the evil clicking eyes of the giant doll and made it to the other side of the arena. And now, with the good graces of President Lee (who appears to be a somewhat skilled diplomat), he has the green light to bring peace on Earth and goodwill to the Korean Peninsula.

In the Squid Game of this life, there can only be one ultimate winner. And I think we all know who that winner is going to be: President Donald J. Trump. Peace will come, and the giant piggy bank will fill with money at last. Thank you for your attention to this matter!!!