Memories of the 12 DAY WAR

President Trump didn’t start the war. But if we’re to believe the greatest social-media post of all time, he sure finished it, and quickly. Either way, he definitely branded it, and in geopolitics, as in business, branding is everything. If you break the terms of the brand, Israel and Iran have found out, the President is going to whup you, at least verbally.

“Upon the 24th Hour,” Trump posted yesterday about a peace of his own making on Truth Social, a website of his own making, “an Official END to THE 12 DAY WAR will be saluted by the World. . . . On the assumption that everything works as it should, which it will, I would like to congratulate both Countries, Israel and Iran, on having the Stamina, Courage, and Intelligence to end, what should be called, ‘The 12 DAY WAR.’”

Whatever else you want to say about how Trump and the U.S. have conducted themselves during these Almost Two Weeks That Shook A Small Part of the World, naming this thing the 12 DAY WAR was an absolute masterstroke. It calls to mind two cooly named Israeli military successes, the 6 Day War and the Yom Kippur War. For those whose memories are shorter and historical knowledge shallower, it also invokes the biggest war we’ve ever seen, “Avengers: Infinity War.” Like in that war, Trump is trying to end this one with a snap of his fingers, but with much less bloodshed.

In what he figured were the final hours of the conflict, Trump could declare that he’d won the battle, won the peace and won the naming rights. 12 DAY WAR is so much better of a brand than World War III, a sequel that countries have been threatening for almost a century, but that no one actually wants. When Israel attacked Iran, most people thought, “Well, this is World War III.” Not President Trump. Where others saw the potential for trauma that would cripple human civilization for decades, he saw a marketing opportunity. He gave it 12 days, and not one second more.

“This is a War that could have gone on for years,” Trump Truth Socialed, “and destroyed the entire Middle East, but it didn’t, and never will! God bless Israel, God bless Iran, God bless the Middle East, God bless the United States of America, and GOD BLESS THE WORLD!”

As Trump might and did say, CONGRATULATIONS TO EVERYONE!

Those congratulations proved to be short-lived, though. While America slept, or doomscrolled, or both, Israel and Iran continued to exchange fire throughout the night. The President woke up in a foul mood. On his way out the door to a NATO meeting in The Hague, he met with the press pack, adopting his bluntest New York–landlord tones. Both countries had violated the peace, he said.

“Israel, as soon as we made the deal, they came out and they dropped a load of bombs the likes of which I’ve never seen before. The biggest load that we’ve seen. I’m not happy with Israel. When I say, ‘OK, you have 12 hours,’ you don’t go out in the first hour and just drop everything you have on them. So I’m not happy with them, I’m not happy with Iran, either. . . . We basically have two countries that have been fighting so long and so hard that they don’t know what the fuck they’re doing. Do you understand that?”

Trump, having spoken some truth, though not very socially, pivoted and turned toward his helicopter. We’ve all been following his process across the Atlantic as he has his calling phone in one hand, talking to Benjamin Netanyahu, and his texting phone in the other, furiously typing instructions to social media. This morning, he Socialed that the Ceasefire remains in effect, that Israel is doing a “friendly ‘Plane Wave’” to Iran. How nice. Then came this urgent missive:

“ISRAEL. DO NOT DROP THOSE BOMBS. IF YOU DO IT IS A MAJOR VIOLATION. BRING YOUR PILOTS HOME, NOW! DONALD J. TRUMP, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.”

Trump wants peace. He hates it when people back out on big, beautiful deals that he’s created. Plus, the “12 DAY WAR” baseball caps are already at the printer. It’s a good war name. The best war name there ever was. He thought of it himself. Unlike Israel and Iran, he knows exactly what the fuck he’s doing. They’d better not mess this up.