The man to save the Democratic party: Hunter Biden

“The one thing that binds each and every one of us is not necessarily love… it’s pain,” Hunter Biden said in his interview yesterday with independent journalist Andrew Callaghan. Well, that’s good, because we’re not all sons of a former president, so at least we have something in common. Someone has really been working the 12 steps!

Cockburn will admit that he didn’t really see it until now, but after yesterday, he’s ready to admit that Robert Hunter Biden may be the only person who can lead the Democratic party out of the wilderness. It’s a development worthy of the best “scion’s fiction.” Hunter said that if he were president, he would call Salvadoran President Nayib Bukele and have a chat about those re-expatriated illegal immigrants: “You either fucking send them back [to the US] or I’m going to fucking invade.”

White House spokesperson Abigail Jackson said that “a house cat” has a better chance of becoming president than Hunter Biden. Cockburn is guessing that Hunter is more of a dog person, but Jackson missed the significance of this interview. To call Hunter’s interview “expletive-laden” is somewhat misleading. It was more of an extended expletive, laden with other words. But even if it was somewhat surreal, the interview felt authentic, and authenticity is the secret sauce the Democrats are missing.

Hunter predictably called Donald Trump a “fucking thug,” but he also absolutely went to town on such mainstream liberal stooges as Jake Tapper and David Axelrod, and especially George Clooney, for betraying President Biden during the 2024 campaign. “Fucking George Clooney is not a fucking actor. He is a fucking, like… I don’t know what he is. He is a brand.”

Hunter Biden is speaking truth to power, or at least speaking truth to Clooney. He also called the Republicans who deposed him in Congress “fucking morons.”

“Matt Gaetz was giving me shit about my drug use,” Hunter said. “I said, really? Of all the people at this table, you’re going to talk to me about my addiction, my alcoholism?”

Hunter mocked the idea of another congressional investigation into him and his activities, placing the word “laptop” in air quotes, saying that all the salacious photos and videos proved nothing except the obvious fact that he was wasted and doing bad, bad things. “Why would I bring cocaine to the White House, stick it into a cubby outside the situation room in the West Wing, in 2019, when I wasn’t there?” he said. “Anyway, who the fuck knows?”

Hunter, our next president, looked fit, clean and sober, if occasionally unhinged, in that garden setting. It was his coming-down-the-escalator moment. The interview contained so many amazing bits, including his admission that he used to make his own crack cocaine, because the actual places where you can get crack are too dangerous. Relatable, though Hunter did veer away from relatability when the former semipermanent resident of the Chateau Marmont said, about illegal immigrants, “how do you think your hotel room gets cleaned?”

At one point, while Hunter talked about the dangers of crack, Callaghan, the first journalist in history to conduct a somewhat serious interview while wearing a Philadelphia Phillies cap, appeared to be struggling with a bug.

“I’m going to pretend you’re not getting attacked by a bee right now,” Hunter said. “Keep my train of thought.”

“Without them we would all die,” said Callaghan.

“That’s true too,” said Hunter. “Birds aren’t real. But bees are.”