Run again, Hillary!

Joe Biden is a wounded deer and America’s most prolific political assassin is hot on his trail. Speaking to the New York State Democratic Convention in February, Hillary Clinton, a ghoul occasionally photographed stalking the woods near Chappaqua, gave a rousing speech that had little to do with state politics. Instead, she addressed a “deeply and dangerously divided nation.”

“The struggle for unity and democracy is far from over,” she told lawmakers in the country’s most corrupt state. “We need to focus on solutions that matter to voters.”

Clinton seemed to further position herself as the party’s next leader during an MSNBC appearance where she called on Democrats to engage in “careful thinking about what wins elections, and not just in deep-blue districts where a Democrat and a liberal Democrat, or so-called progressive Democrat, is going to win.”

Talking heads on both sides gleaned that the former secretary of state might be seriously mulling a third presidential run, in 2024. Clintonistas acknowledge the current president’s wild unpopularity — with record-low approval ratings in the bottom forties — his declining faculties, the likelihood of a Republican-controlled Congress later this year, and that the cackling, sinister, woman-on-the-verge-of-a-breakdown vice president doesn’t stand a snowball’s chance of ever winning an election. Now they’re taking the lint rollers to their pink hats, cautiously optimistic for a third showdown that they pray this time won’t end in tears.

“Hillary Clinton remains ambitious, outspoken and convinced that if not for Federal Bureau of Investigation director James Comey’s intervention and Russian interference that she would have won the 2016 election — and she may be right,” squeaked an op-ed by a pair of Clinton acolytes in the Wall Street Journal. “If Democrats want a fighting chance at winning the presidency in 2024, Mrs. Clinton is likely their best option.”

If the Supreme Court strikes down Roe v. Wade, as seems highly likely, the Clinton apparatus is perfectly poised to take advantage of the guaranteed pro-choice animus among the Democratic base.

And who else could it be, really? There are few good options. Some less sane outlets have floated Terry McAuliffe, former Clinton campaign chairman and Virginia governor, for 2024. While it’s perfectly plausible that a party known for demonizing old white men would run another one at the top of their ticket, he inspires no one. Can you even picture what he looks like?

Hillary really is all they’ve got. She may be their best chance at beating Donald Trump or Ron DeSantis, particularly in the event of a Republican-controlled Congress. Voters may simply hold their noses and tick her box, seeing her as slimy enough to get things done in a split government.

Or maybe they won’t tolerate the cynical harpy being thrust upon them once again. The Hillary option defines a system that disenfranchises the public will, instructing voters on how things are going to be, whether they like it or not. Hillary fanatics remain a fringe group of rich radicals — Wall Streeters, cable news hosts and lower-tier Hollywood actors — who want a president who cares about Washington’s needs, not America’s. If she does run in 2024, it’ll be cute to watch all the little corporatist bastards perk up and march into battle for their gal, expanding the rift between average people and elites. As though that divide could get any deeper. Even more people will tune out from political sermons delivered from the red carpet.

A few things may have to happen before Hillary coughs her way onto the debate stage a final time. Mayor Pete’s going to have to self-immolate — she can’t have the little Boy Scout hogging the cameras, reminding Americans what a less gay Obama sounds like. In Hillary’s Democratic Party, she’s top vagina. She doesn’t like other power-hungry women around, only meek ones like Huma Abedin, so Kamala will have to move back to Canada.

We’re nearly six years on from Hillary’s dramatic loss the last time and it’s still amusing. Who doesn’t, to this day, when in need of a smile, occasionally watch an election night mash-up of mopey journalists and the Javits Center flooding with tears?

Imagine what gaiety the next round might bring. She’s older and crazier now. I only hope instead of a press conference with Bill Clinton’s accusers, presumptive challenger Donald Trump invites a fortune-teller with a Ouija board to summon the ghost of Jeffrey Epstein.

Do we really want to sit through 2016: The Sequel? Oh, God, yes, please. Wet blankets may scoff, not this again! Just go away, Hillary, forgetting how much magic the Clinton Crime Boss brings to national politics. Beating up on Joe Biden isn’t fun — it’s heartbreaking, but necessary, work. If Hillary does aim to unite America, she has the power to do so: against her. Besides, we’ve probably only got about four more election cycles where her third run is a possibility, so why not milk the beast for all she’s worth now? We’ll be glad we did. Cry about her stubbornness all you want; we’re going to miss Ol’ Crooked when she’s gone.

This article was originally published in The Spectator’s June 2022 World edition.