Florida is the gift that keeps on giving

Cockburn is no stranger to chaos, in fact, his career depends on it. But even he wasn’t prepared for the clusterfuck that ensued during Florida’s primary elections this week.

The last few years have been a testament to the fact that anything can happen in US politics, but Cockburn was shocked to hear that Laura Loomer, the conspiracy theorist who claimed that mass shootings in Parkland and Santa Fe were staged, lost to Dan Webster by a mere six points.

Running in the Republican primary for Florida’s 11th congressional district, it seems that Loomer gained traction with the gerontocracy. But does the retirement community and Republican stronghold really know who they endorsed? I mean, Loomer makes Alex Jones look sane. After her loss, she went on to allege voter fraud while shouting to the crowd, “I’M NOT CONCEDING!”

Her near miss is notable, and while Cockburn is a firm believer that even idiots deserve free speech, to be banned by not only social media platforms but also PayPal, Uber, Lyft, and even food delivery app Uber Eats is quite something. If you missed it, she claimed that Uber was a breeding ground for terrorists, then went on to insist her food delivery person not be a Muslim. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you.

Cockburn wonders if this will be the end of the road for Loomer, because although she may be clinically insane, Boomers for Loomer is a pretty catchy slogan. Then again, her entire electorate will soon die off.

It looks as if Trump’s support is more valuable than ever after all of his endorsed candidates won in their primaries. Particularly Anna Paulina Luna, who won the GOP nomination for the 13th District. The US Air Force veteran went up against Kevin Hayslett, prominent lawyer and a favorite of some political leaders in the region, capturing 44 percent of the vote.

Anna is the embodiment of Republican values: ex-Air Force, a proud military wife who looks great in a tank top holding a big, fat gun. She’s also Hispanic, which is growing into a key demographic of the Republican vote. In 2016, Trump won 29 percent of the Hispanic vote. In 2020, he won 32 percent. The fact is that many migrants are inherently conservative, especially in terms of being family-oriented and hardworking.

Democrats have always thought that non-white Americans were a sure vote, but seeing as their recent policies have penalized small business and eroded social values, this is becoming less and less true. In 2050, Hispanics are projected to make up 29 percent of the American vote, so the future of American politics will be very much decided by this core demographic. Cockburn was particularly disappointed to find out that the recent smear campaign against Anna, that she was an exotic dancer, was not true. The real story, which is way less salacious, is that Anna picked up waitressing shifts in a cocktail bar when the US military refused to provide her with funds to fly out and see her husband, who was recovering after being shot in Afghanistan.

And what is an election without a big, old sex scandal? It seems in Florida’s 1st District, they’d be better off spoiling their ballot rather than having to choose between a fake scientist under indictment for hacking and a congressman who is under investigation for soliciting sex with a minor.

At least Matt Gaetz, the one who is reportedly involved in an investigation for trafficking teenage girls (Mr. Gaetz has vociferously denied the charges), has had his seat since 2017. The Democrats have actually given up to the point that Rebekah Jones seems to be the best they can do.

Last year, Jones claimed she was fired from Florida’s health department because she refused to alter Florida’s Covid numbers at the request of her superiors, except that wasn’t the whole truth, and it later transpired that Jones was embellishing the facts. A Florida inspector general’s report determined that Jones’s allegations were “unsubstantiated” and “unfounded.” In her attempt to be the new Edward Snowdon, it came out that all Jones was asked to do is redact some information to ensure that GDPR was protected. Spicy.

It should have been an easy win, to present somebody more electable than a man that was allegedly caught with escorts, who — at the time — were very kindly assembling the politician a nice line of cocaine. Instead, the best they could come up with was a fake data scientist that liked her chances as the next editor of WikiLeaks.

It looks to Cockburn as if Gaetz could be the next Roy Moore, who in the 2018 elections in Alabama lost his solid majority thanks to allegations of sexual assault and misconduct against teenage girls. Before Moore’s scandal the state had been blue since *check notes* 1980.

If these elections are anything to go by, Cockburn is going to stock up on popcorn for November. Florida is the gift that keeps on giving.