Eric and Don Jr. launch ‘Trump Mobile’

Well, well, well. After a week of breathless digital countdown timers and PR emails demanding that every journalist get on a plane to New York City for a 7 a.m. start, the Trump Organization has finally unveiled its earth-shattering announcement. And what world-changing revelation required Eric and Donald Trump Jr. to ceremoniously descend the golden escalator at Trump Tower this Monday morning? A cell phone service. Yes, the future of American telecommunications has arrived, and it’s painted gold.

Thank God I didn’t book a flight to the Big Apple for this momentous occasion. The brothers Trump, clearly having exhausted the family’s ventures into steaks, universities and cryptocurrency, have now set their sights on disrupting the mobile phone industry. The announcement, timed to coincide with the ten-year anniversary of their father’s famous escalator descent to announce his 2016 presidential run, opens yet another chapter in the Trump family’s relentless march toward branding absolutely everything under the American sun.

Trump Mobile, as the service is rather predictably called, promises to revolutionize wireless communications with “the 47 Plan” – a monthly service priced at the delightfully specific sum of $47.45 (get it?). The service, which functions as what industry insiders call a Mobile Virtual Network Operator, will piggyback on the existing infrastructure of AT&T, Verizon and T-Mobile. In other words, Trump Mobile is essentially repackaging the same networks Americans already use, slapping a golden Trump logo on top, and charging customers for the privilege of patriotic branding and the assurance that everything is made in the USA.

But wait, there’s more. The Trump Organization isn’t content merely to offer rebranded cellular service. No, they’re also launching the “T1 Phone” – a $499 Android device that appears to be the telecommunications equivalent of a golden toilet. The smartphone, available for pre-order and set to launch in August, features what the company describes as a “sleek, gold” design with a standardized “Make America Great Again” background, and an emblazoned American flag.

Donald Trump Jr., clearly relishing his role as the family’s chief technology evangelist, explained that the venture targets Americans who have been “underserved” by the mobile industry. You might wonder to which demographic he’s referring. Perhaps those who’ve been desperately seeking a way to combine their monthly phone bill with their political identity? The younger Trump, Eric, promised that customers would receive not just unlimited talk, text and data, but also telemedicine services, roadside assistance and the reassurance that when they call customer service, they’ll reach “a real person” in St. Louis, Missouri, he told Fox News this morning. “Rather than call centers in Bangladesh.”

The timing of this announcement is particularly rich, coming as it does while President Trump juggles his official duties with an ever-expanding portfolio of business ventures. The Trump Organization’s latest financial disclosures reveal that the President earned more than $600 million in 2024, including substantial sums from cryptocurrency ventures and licensing agreements. Trump Mobile appears to follow the same licensing model that has proven so lucrative for the family’s watches, sneakers and Bibles – minimal financial risk, maximum branding opportunity.

Of course, the fine print tells a rather different story than the golden marketing materials. The Trump Mobile website includes the standard disclaimer that the service is “not designed, developed, manufactured, distributed or sold by The Trump Organization or any of their respective affiliates or principals.” In other words: this is yet another licensing deal where the Trump name is rented out to third parties who handle the actual work of running a telecommunications business.

The brothers Trump emphasized their commitment to American-made devices and US-based customer service, though they’ve been notably coy about revealing which company is actually manufacturing their golden Android phones. You suspect the “Made in America” claims may prove as flexible as many of the family’s previous business promises.

Perhaps most amusing is the service’s promise of “complete device protection” and the assurance that customers won’t face service interruptions – the website’s disclaimer immediately undermines this confidence by stating the company isn’t liable for “service interruptions, delays, or damages caused by third-party providers outside of our direct control.”

From golden sneakers to golden phones, the Trump clan have managed to turn American politics into the world’s most expensive merchandise catalog. Whether Trump Mobile will actually change the telecommunications game, as Donald Jr. promises, remains to be seen. But one thing is certain: it will definitely change the color scheme.