After Rosie O’Donnell, the Americans Trump should strip of citizenship

As he often does when things get a little hot in the kitchen, President Trump went after Rosie O’Donnell again yesterday. “We are giving serious thought to taking away Rosie O’Donnell’s Citizenship,” he wrote on Truth Social. O’Donnell, he said, is “not a Great American,” layering that on top of what he said in July, that Rosie is “not in the best interests of our great country.”

I don’t think anyone other than her closest associates would argue that Rosie O’Donnell is “Great,” but she is, technically, an “American.” If the Trump Administration wants to revoke citizenship for every mediocre celebrity who criticizes the President, well, then, Hollywood is going to have to do some fast outsourcing. Let’s think about who else is on the chopping block.

Ellen DeGeneres – Once American’s first lesbian sitcom darling, then the dancing queen of daytime TV, Ellen has fallen from court favor under a cloud of employee mistreatment allegations. After pitching a huff over Trump’s re-election, she’s moved to the United Kingdom, where she’s slowly morphing into Farmer Hoggett from Babe. She and her wife, former Arrested Development star Portia DeRossi, live in a modest $18 million farmhouse, where she’s entered into a “planning clash” with her neighbors after committing a “technical breach” over some Roman remains. Ellen is the first person to simultaneously run afoul of the American empire and the Roman Empire, and as such she must be on Trump’s naughty list. We won’t see the likes of her stateside again.

Eva Longoria – The Desperate Housewives star and her husband, multimillionaire media executive José Baston, fled the United States after Trump won, dividing their time between their hovels in Spain and Mexico. “I’m privileged. I get to escape and go somewhere. Most Americans aren’t so lucky,” she told Marie Claire last fall. “They are going to be stuck in this dystopian country, and my anxiety and my sadness is for them.” Still, times were tough for Longoria, who was so desperate to escape the MAGA jackboot that she sold her Beverly Hills estate for $19 million instead of the asking price of $22 million. No citizenship for you!

George Clooney – Rumors spread online in December that Clooney had fled the U.S. because he “can’t take the red wave anymore,” though that doesn’t appear to be the case. He and his wife Amal, a human-rights lawyer and therefore a strong candidate for citizenship revocation, have a multimillion dollar mansion on the shores of Lake Como, and also appear to live in the U.K., a backwards, repressive post-colonial state that is the ironic living choice for freedom-loving American liberals. He doesn’t seem to like it here anyway, so let’s yank the passport. Goodnight, George. And good luck.

Courtney Love – Apparently because she loves governments who arrest people because they don’t like their opinions, the former grunge icon announced last year that she’s applying for her U.K. passport. After all, she already lives there. “I’m finally getting my British citizenship in six months. I get to be a citizen. I’m applying, man! Can’t get rid of me!” Not a good American, Courtney Love. Very nasty person. She wants to be the girl with the most scones. We might have to look into taking away her citizenship.

Sharon Stone – In July of last year, Stone told The Daily Mail that she was “certainly considering a house in Italy. I think that’s an intelligent construct at this time. This is one of the first times in my life that I’ve actually seen anyone running for office on a platform of hate and oppression.” Who among us hasn’t considered a house in Italy? To rent. For a week. With extended family. As you well know, if you’re trying to flee “hate and oppression,” move to notoriously welcoming and tolerant ITALY.

Billie Eilish – Rumors flew after Trump was re-elected that Eilish was going to leave the country, but they turned out to not be true and she’s just kind of quietly going about her business. Citizenship revocation should still be on the table, though. She and her brother Phinneas can go live on a cloud.

Barack Obama – You know who isn’t saying they’re going to leave the country? The Obamas. America has been good to them. But if Trump really wants to go full circle in his political career, he can distract from whatever problems he’s having by reviving the “birther” slander. It’s not true. Of course it’s not true. But since when did what’s true mean what’s best for America?