AOC sets the stage for herself at Pennsylvania Harris-Walz rally

State College, Pennsylvania

Cockburn wandered curiously up a bustling College Avenue in State College yesterday toward the State Theatre, where Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was set to take the stage and stump for the Harris-Walz campaign. He was waylaid along the way by a group of Republicans waving flags and ringing a cowbell alongside a cardboard cutout of Donald Trump. The “counter-protesters,” as they described themselves, were garnering numerous supportive honks and thumbs-up from cars driving by. They told Cockburn only one person had yelled an obscenity. So much for the Divided States of America!

Down the street, two lines had formed half an hour before AOC’s scheduled showtime. Cockburn’s heart sank when he realized the line he had to stand in snaked around the block. So he did what came naturally: went to the nearest watering hole and pre-gamed with some PSU alumni while he waited for the line to dissipate.

Standing at the very end behind a motley crew of gray long-hairs and colorful pixie cuts, Cockburn was one of only a few men. He obliged a fellow member of his sex by allowing him to snap his photo and send it to five people he knows in Pennsylvania who are registered to vote to remind them to do so. The volunteer taking photos was wheeling a wagon full of Celsius drinks and Red Bulls. The lesbian couple in front of Cockburn had their photos taken by a woman in a neon skeleton suit (Halloween, he hopes) advocating “reproductive rights.”

Cockburn asked the lesbians why they were voting for Kamala Harris. They looked at one other and waited for the other to answer. Finally, the more outspoken one said, “Because I am a WOMAN. An EDUCATED woman!” She added something about “being passionate,” and her partner said, “I’m not passionate; I’m nervous.” The man taking people’s photos to remind their friends to vote continued to try to push beverages on the people in line; when Cockburn remarked that it was strange he was only offering caffeinated drinks while it was nearing dusk, the man laughed nervously and encouraged him to take some.

Then the lesbians and a large group of others still waiting in line, Cockburn included, were informed by a volunteer that the theater was at capacity. The lesbians grumbled, because they, like Cockburn, had registered for the event beforehand, and wondered what the point of that had been. The women had also, like Cockburn, gone to a bar to wait for the line to die down, but unlike Cockburn, these women did not have media credentials, and so were forced to wave at AOC from afar when she came out to greet her adoring fans. Cockburn was whisked inside when he proved a tall blonde woman in a tweed blazer and sweatpants that he was a Serious Journalist™.

Inside, the caffeinated crowd danced to club music while they listened to the State College mayor and students from various Penn State Democrat clubs laud AOC. When she finally appeared, she introduced herself with an intensely authentic accent on her own name before delivering a speech Cockburn found to be disappointingly generic. She spoke vaguely of choosing between “the dark and the light,” “the future and the past,” bragged about her work to raise the minimum wage and ability to work with those she disagrees with, and then rattled off a progressive wish-list and phrases to rising cheers: “commonsense gun safety measures,” climate provisions, getting big lobbyists’ money out of politics, “no human should be illegal,” “trans rights are human rights,” “Medicare for All,” codifying Roe into law and an even higher minimum wage!

The Celsius must have started to kick in toward the end, because AOC’s gestures became even more flailing as she shouted about an end to Islamophobia, antisemitism, racism, deep cynicism and despair! in the style of Dwight Schrute/Mussolini rousing his fellow paper salesmen.

Cockburn didn’t overhear any overly enthused commentary as he herded out of the lobby with the crowd. He did smell coffee, though — and is convinced that with all this caffeine perhaps the left has an energy problem. Though, AOC did draw a crowd. It was mostly twenty-something women seemingly obsessed with not getting pregnant, but still, AOC did set the stage. Not so much for Harris-Walz, but for herself. And she turned thirty-five years old five days ago. Just sayin’.