Finally: a Democrat autopsy from a Republican consultant

Republicans have, very foolishly, engaged in “autopsies” after recent election losses. This election, it’s the Democrats’ turn! The Democrats will engage in a circular firing squad for the next couple of years, with all factions doing their best to gain the upper hand by giving their rivals the shiv in the jailhouse shower. Allow me, a Republican political consultant without a dog in this fight, to answer the pressing question: who will Democrats blame for the campaign that inconceivably allowed the bad Orange Man to win and the obviously superior Kamala and Clooney and Oprah to fail?

First, let’s start with the obvious — black voters. The people at DNC HQ will be furious that black voters did not obey instructions and vote 95 percent for Democrats. It’s outrageous, really, when you think of all the great things white liberals have done for black people: BLM yard signs, volunteering once a year at a soup kitchen and promising young black men that Kamala would help them open weed stores. Yet even though the Democratic Party freed the slaves (young Democrats believe this), soooooo many black people voted for Trump. Shockingly ungrateful.

Second, brown voters. After everything Democrats have done for the brown people, their thanklessness stings even worse. All Democratic leaders religiously say “black and brown” in all their talking points, and Democrats have even opened the border to appease and accommodate Hispanics (who swung by fourteen points to Trump). Appallingly, Hispanic voters, who are legal American citizens, don’t want open borders! White liberal women have generously hired brown people to do their landscaping, clean their houses and raise their children — and despite all that, Hispanics have the nerve to vote for Trump and other Republicans. Even more ungrateful!

Third, Joe and Jill Biden. Joe and Jill held on too long. Imagine how much better Kamala would have done if the voters had the benefit of another two months to hear her not say anything coherent. Oh, well… this one is hard to defend.

Fourth, The Obamas. Can’t be them. They are royalty in the Democratic Party, so nope, not their fault.

Fifth, the antisemites. Democrats chose the goofball governor instead of the Jewish governor as their vice presidential candidate. And the reason was obvious to everyone: Governor Shapiro was too short. Will anyone acknowledge a different explanation? Perhaps there is a war inside the Democratic Party: the new ascendant, antisemite racists in the Democratic Party have overpowered the old, pro-Israel guard? “From the river to the sea,” say the protesters; few know which river or sea they are talking about.

Sixth, the voters. No arguing this one; the voters are clearly at fault. Despite Barack Obama’s instructive lectures, the voters have once again disappointed Democrats. Voters obviously displayed no appreciation for the party that graced them with high prices, unaffordable housing, looters going unpunished, men dominating women’s sports, wars and rumors of wars all over the globe, a border invasion, 70,000 new IRS agents or the Democrat thought police. As Dick Tuck famously said while assessing an election he lost, “The people have spoken, the bastards.”

Finally, the real reason Democrats lost: Americans are not left-wing radical extremist lunatics and the Democrats are.

This is going to be a tough one, but maybe, possibly, conceivably… could this election disaster be the Democrats’ own fault? Most Americans know that God created humans in two distinct gender flavors, crime needs to be punished for civilization to flourish, we should make things in our country, not China, we can’t be involved in wars all over the globe, we are not a racist country, and, as Hank Williams Jr. famously said: “We say grace, and we say ma’am, if you ain’t into that, we don’t give a damn.”

Nah. If they really want to “save democracy,” Democrats must blame the voters again. That sounds about right.