You want a peace of me?

President Trump prevented World War Three yesterday, or so he claimed multiple times. “No one wants World War Three,” he said. Fact check: true. Trump and many of the world’s finest leaders gathered behind a large, tacky but also touching sign that read “Peace 2025.” Italy’s Giorgia Meloni also attended the summit. Trump called her “beautiful,” saying that in the US calling a woman beautiful could mean the “end of your political career.” Fact check: true. “I’ll take my chances,” Trump said.

Cockburn enjoyed the day’s festivities, which featured enough comic moments to fill a season of The Office. During his address to the Knesset, Trump called attention to Miriam Adelson, widow of billionaire Sheldon Adelson, who was so persistently pro-Israel that he’d “come in through the window” to influence Trump. Miriam has “$60 billion in the bank,” Trump said. “No, more.”

“I’m gonna get her in trouble with this one,” Trump told the Israeli parliament. “I actually asked her once, I said, ‘so Miriam, I know you love Israel, what do you love more? The United States or Israel?’ She refused to answer. That means… that might mean Israel, I must say.”

Later in Sharm el-Sheikh, Trump mentioned UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer, not a beautiful woman, while seemingly not noticing that Starmer was standing directly to his left. He might not be there this time next year, Mr. President, it’s OK.

Meanwhile, in the Giorgia Meloni B-storyline, Turkey’s President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, who’s fervently anti-tobacco, said he wanted Meloni to quit smoking. France’s Emmanuel Macron said, “zis eez em-poss-e-ble,” and Meloni claimed quitting would make her grouchy. “I don’t want to kill somebody,” she said.

But the real money shot came onboard Air Force One on the way to Israel on Sunday. Fox News’s Peter Doocy asked Trump if the peace accords were going to help Trump get into Heaven. “I mean, I’m being a little cute,” Trump said, though not as cute as Giorgia Meloni. “I don’t think there’s anything going to get me in Heaven.” Fact check: time will tell.

On our radar

HEY BIG SPENDA President Trump is currently hosting President Javier Milei of Argentina at the White House after giving the South American country a $20 billion bailout.

DO YOU EVEN LIFT, BRO? Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene, contrasting her colleagues with President Trump, said “a lot of the men here in the House are weak.”

CHINESE WHISPERS A spokesperson for the Chinese commerce ministry said that China would “fight to the end” in its trade dispute with the Trump administration over looming tariffs.

Belt-tightening on the battlefield

Secretary of War Pete Hegseth’s “no fatties” policy has claimed its first victim as several Texas National Guard soldiers have been sent home from Battleground: Chicago for failing to meet height, weight and fitness standards.

This makes sense to Cockburn, who has spent a lot of time in Texas and knows that the average lunch is a Buc-ee’s chopped-beef sandwich with extra queso and a bag of Takis.

Meanwhile, Hegseth’s attempt to get the media to bend the knee at the Pentagon has met with a chilly reception. In order to get press credentials, the department wants to require outlets to pledge not to obtain unauthorized files. Hegseth is also seeking to restrict press access to some parts of the Pentagon where reporters are currently permitted. Almost every outlet is refusing to sign the restrictive new rules, including Newsmax, usually a reliable megaphone for Trumpworld.

“We believe the requirements are unnecessary and onerous and hope that the Pentagon will review the matter further,” Newsmax said in a statement. The channel is believed to be staffing up in order to expand its defense coverage. Fox News, Hegseth’s former employer, also came out against the new requirements today, issuing a joint statement with ABC News, CNN, CBS and NBC News.

The Pentagon Press Association said that Hegseth has been “systematically limiting access to information about the U.S. military.” They also reject the War Secretary’s demands that every reporter do 100 pull-ups before interviewing him.

Plane stupid

Any Trump officials returning from surreptitious trips abroad during the government shutdown may have found themselves greeted by a new video from Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem – blaming the Democratic Party for any wait times. “It is TSA’s top priority to make sure that you have the most pleasant and efficient airport experience as possible [sic] while we keep you safe,” Noem says in the video. “However, Democrats in Congress refuse to fund the federal government, and because of this, many of our operations are impacted.”

“Our hope is that Democrats will soon recognize the importance of opening the government,” she concludes.

Yet some of the more progressive parts of the country are being shielded from Noem’s agitprop: the major airports in Seattle and Portland, and three smaller airports in New York, are refusing to air the video. “We believe the Hatch Act clearly prohibits using public assets for political purposes and messaging,” said a Portland International Airport official, while a spokesperson for Westchester County, New York, described the video as “inappropriate, unacceptable, and inconsistent with the values we expect from our nation’s top public officials.” Noem also found herself parodied in an almost-funny cold-open on this weekend’s Saturday Night Live, where she was played by Tina Fey alongside Amy Poehler as Pam Bondi. Cockburn credits the SNL make-up department for the transformation…

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