Trump starts Christmas now

There’s no small irony in the fact that Texas Democratic state legislators, fleeing a congressional redistricting attempt by Texas’s Republican majority, have sought shelter in Illinois. They’re acting like political refugees in what is, in fact, the most gerrymandered state in the country.

Look at Illinois District 13, which snakes up from the Missouri border nearly to the gates of Indiana, bisecting the state (and District 15) like Illinois’s small intestine. Chicago is a very populous city, but the state has carved up its Congressional districts like a turducken, giving us as many (D-Chicagos) as humanly possible.

The Illinois Democratic machine has had an outsized influence on American politics, much less Illinois politics, for decades. Its favorite son, Barack Obama, even became president. Now that Texas is serving up a gerrymandering machine that’s just as powerful, and just as corrupt, Illinois is offering asylum. That’s rich.

Cockburn has been to both states. They both offer occasional moments of grace punctuated by millions of acres of cow manure. May they gerrymander each other out of existence and let a non-corrupt state devoted to direct democracy, wherever that may exist, take control of Congress.

With Trump, Christmas starts now

It’s August, which means that Christmas is just around the corner. While Cockburn hangs around the house drinking spritzes and swatting mosquitos on the patio, the White House has announced it’s time to receive applications to help with Christmas decorations and to perform at holiday open houses. ’Tis the season, I guess! To the administration’s credit, they didn’t announce they’re officially renaming the holiday The First Lady Melania Trump Christmas Spectacular.

While countless school choirs and dance teams will certainly bring the jolly, Cockburn would like to see various administration figures appear as part of the festivities. Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard can finally reveal who was behind the cover-up of the Santa Files (not David Sedaris’s, the real ones). Pete Hegseth can dress up as Santa and send selfies to the group chat. We look forward to Barron Trump’s Christmas Crypto Bash. Most prominently, J.D. Vance can fulfill his destiny by dressing as Buddy the Elf and proclaiming “Santa? I know him!!!” – a nice summary of his relationship with President Trump.

On our radar

UP ON THE ROOFTOP Joined by several men in suits this morning, President Trump took questions from the roof of the White House. Apparently, he was surveying the building for his recently announced $200 million ballroom.

RUSSIA RUSSIA RUSSIA Pam Bondi directed the DoJ to launch a grand jury investigation into allegations that the Obama administration manufactured intelligence about 2016 election interference.

EPSTEIN UPDATE Ghislaine Maxwell has been transferred to a minimum security prison in Bryan, Texas. Meanwhile, Bill and Hillary Clinton are set to be deposed by the House Oversight Committee this October for their connection to Epstein.

Going Postal

News broke this week (in the New York Post, appropriately enough), that the paper is soon to begin publishing a California edition, called the California Post. These happy tidings are almost enough to make Cockburn want to move back to California, where he spent some very happy, idle months at the Chateau Marmont in the 80s, and also the 90s.

Regardless, this is great news for California’s bleak, bland, hyper-woke media offerings, punctuated only by the occasional conservative opposition blog, Adam Carolla X account or grouchy late-night AM radio hosts. An active Page Six alone will help burst the Hollywood PR bubble, and Cockburn relishes the idea of holding Gavin Newsom and Karen Bass’s feet to the fire on any number of issues. Newspapers aren’t, in fact, dead. They’re just not giving people something that they want to read. And as much as they hate to admit it, everyone wants to read the Post.