Has Trump met his match in South Park?

In the surest sign of the permanent decay of Cockburn’s mind and soul, he spent all yesterday waiting for the President to post about the size of his appendage. The fact that Donald Trump has yet to do so fills Cockburn with sadness and ennui. This weekend doesn’t offer much promise either, as Trump is in the air on his way to Scotland. Maybe he’ll take some time to ponder his nether regions on Air Force One.

The impetus for Cockburn’s hope comes from the season premiere of South Park, which portrays Trump as a selfish, horny imbecile, as it used to portray Saddam Hussein more than 20 years ago. Also like South Park’s Saddam, Trump has a homosexual love affair with Satan, who notices the resemblance. The episode ends with a deepfaked AI Trump wandering naked around the desert. He collapses from exhaustion and his tiny phallus talks to him.

Trump has yet to say anything about this outrageous obscenity on Truth Social, instead paying tribute to Hulk Hogan, endorsing Michael Whatley for the open North Carolina Senate seat and announcing a deal for Australia to start importing US beef, among a half dozen other rambling topics. The White House did officially respond, though, with spokesperson Taylor Rogers saying, of South Park, “This show hasn’t been relevant for over 20 years and is hanging on by a thread with uninspired ideas in a desperate attempt for attention.”

But South Park isn’t The Late Show. Rather than a cancellation, Paramount just handed Trey Parker and Matt Stone more than a billion dollars to continue the franchise, with six more seasons of the show and 14 standalone movies. In a statement, Parker said, “We’re focused on building something special and doing whatever it takes to bring championships to this city.”

Unlike Stephen Colbert, there was no “go f**k yourself.” Parker and Stone don’t care and have lost nothing off their fastball – just ask Meghan Markle. They got their bag and they can do whatever they want. They don’t have to talk trash when President Trump’s deepfaked dong will do it for them.

On our radar

MAXED OUT Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche met with Ghislaine Maxwell for five hours yesterday. They are meeting again today.

FRENCH PRESS President Emmanuel Macron said France will recognize Palestine as a state starting in September. France joins 146 other UN member states that have recognized Palestine’s statehood in the past year.

DON’T TEXAS MY LONDON The United Kingdom is requiring age verification in order to access adult websites starting today – in a move that echoes similar policies in 24 US states, among them Georgia, Texas and Virginia.

Scot free

With Marine One roaring behind him, President Trump answered some questions this morning on the White House lawn before departing for a glamorous golf weekend in Scotland.

One reporter asked if he’d consider a pardon for Ghislaine Maxwell, Jeffrey Epstein’s number-one pal. “It’s something I haven’t thought about,” he said. “It’s something I’m allowed to do, but it’s something I’ve not thought about.” Yet Cockburn suspects Trump has thought a lot about what he called, on Truth Social last night, the “Jeffrey Epstein SCAM.”

When asked if Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche can trust Maxwell in his interview with her, Trump said, “he’s a professional lawyer, he’s been through things like this before.” Then he pivoted, using his masterful powers of deflection: “You should focus on Clinton. You should focus on the former president of Harvard. You should focus on some of the hedge-fund guys, I’ll give you a list. These guys lived with Jeffrey Epstein! I sure as hell didn’t.”

Trump has a list! Is he on it?

Hulkamania in Heaven

Cockburn laments the untimely passing of wrestling icon Hulk Hogan, who died of cardiac arrest Thursday at the age of 71.

As well as being the face of American wrestling entertainment for his entire life – not to mention an MTV reality star like Ozzy Osbourne, who also left us this week – Hogan provided one of the defining moments of the 2024 Republican National Convention a year and a week ago, when he tore his shirt open to reveal a red “Trump-Vance 2024” tank top beneath. Cockburn was honored to witness this in the Fiserv Forum – it was the most American thing he’s ever seen, and marked the first time he thought, “Trump is going to win again.”

Hogan’s impact on online media by way of his Peter Thiel-funded privacy suit against Gawker, which was settled with the snarky blog awarding him $31 million, is also not to be sniffed at. Rest assured, Hulkamania is running wild in the beyond.

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