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A few months ago Team Trump tried to organize its war-gaming plans on the messaging app Signal. It didn’t work. It appears the team has taken to an even more secure platform, as the Iran-Israel war escalates, communicating instead on X. US ambassador to Israel, Mike Huckabee shares with the President, Cockburn and everyone else:
Mr. President, God spared you in Butler, PA to be the most consequential President in a century – maybe ever. The decisions on your shoulders I would not want to be made by anyone else. You have so many voices speaking to you Sir, but there is only ONE voice that matters. HIS voice. I am your appointed servant in this land and am available for you but I do not try to get in your presence often because I trust your instincts. No president in my lifetime has been in a position like yours. Not since Truman in 1945. I don’t reach out to persuade you. Only to encourage you. I believe you will hear from heaven and that voice is far more important than mine or ANYONE else’s. You sent me to Israel to be your eyes, ears and voice and to make sure our flag flies above our embassy. My job is to be the last one to leave. I will not abandon this post. Our flag will NOT come down! You did not seek this moment. This moment sought YOU! It is my honor to serve you! Mike Huckabee.
Trump has opted for his own platform, Truth Social, to send his commands. “UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER,” he typed out this afternoon. Intelligence sharing is going on as well, with the President noting that the US knows “exactly where the so-called ‘Supreme Leader’ is hiding,” and that there are currently no plan to kill him, “at least not for now.” But Ali Khamenei isn’t off the hook just yet: Trump also said his “patience is wearing thin.”
After watching this weekend’s military parade, Cockburn couldn’t help but think it was partially a recruitment drive to the army — a hint that new soldiers would get to live out their Band of Brothers fantasies. But the reality of modern warfare is less heroic: it’s more drones, dogs and cyberbullying the enemy into submission. US Army General George Patton once said that “a pint of sweat will save a gallon of blood.” How much might a few well-worded tweets save?
Let slip the bears of war
How can you tell that the US is set for a heated night on the world stage? In the olden days (OK, a couple of years ago), Cockburn would have suggested using Google to track how high activity was at the branches of Domino’s Pizza closest to the Pentagon – in fact there’s an X account, PentagonPizzaReport, set up to do exactly that.
If that’s too dry for you though, there’s an alternative: seeing when foot traffic drops at Freddie’s Beach Bar, the gay bar in Crystal City. “The closest gay bar to the Pentagon, Freddie’s Beach Bar, is currently reporting below average activity,” wrote PentagonPizzaReport Monday. “Dominos being high and the bar being low is the classic indicator that something is indeed afoot at the Pentagon.” Cockburn is monitoring the situation on Google…
On our radar
LIKE A G6 President Trump hot-tailed it out of the G7 in Calgary yesterday in order to gather his National Security Council in the Situation Room for talks this morning.
GIFT OF THE GAB President Trump distanced himself from his Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard’s March testimony that Iran was not close to getting nuclear weapons. “I don’t care what she said. They were very close to getting a nuke.” Gabbard told NBC today that Trump was saying “the same thing I said in my annual threat assessment.”
BIG FOR THEIR BRITCHES Two unions representing Columbia’s faculty feel snubbed after a judge decided that they do not represent the university and cannot sue over federal funding cuts.
Tanks but no tanks
There was plenty of hemming and hawing ahead of Saturday’s military parade about potential damage to the road surface on Constitution Avenue. How bad is the fallout? Cockburn scooted down to examine the aftermath Tuesday afternoon. Upon careful scientific assessment, he determined that the street bears deep ruts following the jamboree, which featured dozens of tanks. Some potholes measure the depth of a scooter wheel.
During the parade, the tanks appeared to have been fitted with rubber treads to minimize the impact to the tarmac. That explains the incessant squeaking noise that Cockburn’s comrade Matt McDonald heard as the vehicles made their gradual progress down the street. (You can read his write-up here.)
The District Department of Transportation registered Cockburn’s complaint but deferred responsibility to the National Park Service, which is responsible for road conditions. However, according to code passed in the House of Representatives, only the western segment of Constitution Avenue falls under NPS jurisdiction. The Army also made a verbal agreement to cover the cost of parade repairs. Look out for bureaucratic wrangling in the coming years. Your tax dollars at work!
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