Ron DeSantis slays in heels

Practical political wisdom says height is one of the few reliable indicators of electoral victory. In the case of Ron DeSantis, it explains why he is trailing behind 6’3” gargantuan Donald Trump. It also may explain why DeSantis is being accused of wearing four-inch lifts in his favorite pair of cowboy boots.  

The Florida governor was confronted with a viral clip of his hidden heels during an episode of the Patrick Bet-David podcast this weekend but denied the allegation. “Those are just standard of-the-rack Lucchese boots,” DeSantis said, adding that he is indeed 5’11”.  

Host Bet-David further questioned why DeSantis doesn’t wear tennis shoes or dress shoes. “I do wear tennis shoes when I work out, yeah, 100 percent,” DeSantis answered. Bet-David gave DeSantis the opportunity to try on a pair of Ferragamo shoes he had bought him and put the rumors to rest once and for all. DeSantis refused since he doesn’t accept gifts.  

Cockburn knows DeSantis isn’t the first candidate to wear lifts, but it does seem a bit hypocritical for the “don’t say gay” governor to be rocking heels so shortly after cracking down on drag shows in Florida. It screams of an authoritarian “heels for me but not for thee” mindset.

Conspiracy theories about DeSantis’s heels first started to fly after his cowboy boots seemed especially suspicious in a recent appearance on Real Time with Bill Maher. TikTok user Spamellina posed the question by sketching a helpful outline of a high heel over the photo of DeSantis’s boots along with a picture of a pair of women’s wedge boots for comparison. Earlier this month, Trump shared the image on his Truth Social account.  

Other users noticed that his alleged “off-the-rack” boots curl up dramatically at the toe as if they were empty near the front. Some questioned why the crease on the boots lies so far up, a few inches away from where the ankles should be. Either DeSantis has incredibly small feet or he’s wearing heels — or perhaps both.

DeSantis’s ungainly walk seems to confirm that he is secretly wearing four-inch stilettos. One X user compared DeSantis attempting to strut in his boots with bent, wobbly knees to “a woman in high heels at the end of the night, just fighting to survive.” Cockburn can’t think of a more metaphor for the DeSantis campaign…