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So you’re going to be arrested imminently: how do you prepare? I’ve dwelled on this question often since my arrest at sixteen, the ugliest age you can be. You draw on thick eyeliner and have even thicker acne, which you think you can cover with even thicker layers of makeup and a back-combed barnet. The outcome was the world’s worst mugshot. My first pointer therefore: if you’re about to be arrested, brush your hair.
Luckily for Donald Trump, when he’s arrested and brought before a judge on Tuesday, he won’t be handcuffed. Chic, right? The Secret Service and court authorities have “mitigated” that issue, apparently. His hair is also pretty good for a seventy-six-year-old when it’s not being blown about in the wind. While he may not be treated like just any other felon, it seems likely that the former POTUS will have his fingerprints and a mugshot taken (though a source told Yahoo!’s Michael Isikoff that the Donald may be spared the bracelets). If so, here are some tips.
When it comes to mugshots, there’s no better teacher than Paris Hilton. The Simple Life star has had a few near misses in the slammer — DUI, possession of illicit substances, obstructing an officer — but after a series of fines, she did end up serving twenty-three days for a parole violation. All three of Hilton’s mugshots, spanning over four years, should be hung in the Louvre. The pose, the lighting, the sultry eye makeup and freshly glossed lips. Her golden tan and newly bleached hair show that there is no excuse for Donald to look like a disheveled orangutan. As long as the lighting is right.
Though they may shame you at first, mugshots can become an opportunity. In 2014 we saw the “hot felon,” become an internet sensation. Police posted a mugshot of gang member Jeremy Meeks on Facebook. After racking up 95,000 likes, Meeks soon became meme with his own hashtag, #feloncrushfriday. Upon his release from prison he had a modeling contract and walked at New York and Milan fashion weeks. A felony weapons charge led him to star in the 2017 Cannes Film Festival, ditch the wife that stood by him while he was in prison and shack up with multi-millionaire Chloe Green, the daughter of former Topshop owner Philip Green. Not a bad run.
Then there are the more theatrical mugshots. When Hugh Grant was arrested in 1995 for “lewd conduct” in a public place with a sex worker, his picture painted a thousand words. Red eyed, hunched over and dressed in a ghastly shirt, Grant’s guilt was visceral. It’s no wonder he pleaded no contest, apologized right away, and then went on every talk show possible to start the damage control. Either that or he’s a pretty good actor. In 2019 he shared the image on Twitter, with the caption, “To my dear trolls. Hope this is helpful. Now you have more time to spend with mummy.” Reminiscent of the funny, self deprecating Grant we had in the Nineties, now he’s sanctimonious and just plain rude.
As for arrest etiquette? The worst thing you can do when being taken down is start making a fuss. Shouting about your rights is, frankly, unchic. Your lawyer will deal with stuff like that. Your whole job is to maintain decency, defiant in your decorum and sense of steely politeness. Learn from the mistakes of celebrities past: when Reese Witherspoon was arrested in 2013, with her then-husband Jim Toth, she reportedly started screaming “Do you know my name? You’re about to find out who I am”, before telling the officers they “you’re about to be on national news.” Far more embarrassing than the reason they were pulled over, which was driving in the wrong lane.
Luckily for Trump, last week he had a masterclass in courthouse decorum to crib from. Gwyneth Paltrow’s ski collision case is the best celebrity public relations win of the twenty-first century. Her redemption will be taught in PR training forever. At the start of last month, everyone hated her for drinking bone broth, selling vagina candles and saying things such as, “I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin.” By Friday she was America’s cashmere-sweater wearing sweetheart. Her tactic? To be unapologetically upper-middle class and to remain unbothered by the whole drama. On the way out of the courthouse after winning her case, she leaned over plaintiff Terry Sanderson, touched his shoulder, and whispered, “I wish you well.”
Trump has, unfortunately for us, been uncharacteristically un-Trumpian about the whole ordeal to date. No funny one-liners, no snaps of him pulling snarky faces. He even got in front of the story, posting that “the leading Republican candidate and former president of the United States will be arrested on Tuesday of next week.” Very grown up. One thing’s for certain: he’ll be recounting his version of events at every Trump rally from this week onwards. Whether he goes quietly or gets back to his old tricks, take my advice, Donald. Brush your hair.
