Donald Trump, king of comedy?

In spooky season, it’s only appropriate that the “joy” has been drawn out of the Harris campaign like a demon facing an exorcist. It may have found a new host in her opponent: former president Donald Trump brought down the house at the Al Smith dinner for Catholic charities in New York City last night, which Kamala opted to skip. Trump has also faced criticism this week for canceling events and dodging interviews with CNBC and the Shade Room.

His remarks are worth watching in their entirety (you can do so below), but here are some choice one-liners. Clearly Trump has benefited from keeping the company of comedians Andrew Schulz and Theo Von lately.

On Kamala: “Instead of attending tonight, she’s in Michigan receiving Communion from Gretchen Whitmer.”

On Biden: “Joe has almost disappeared from view, the only way he could be seen less is if he had a show on CNN.”

On Schumer: “Chuck Schumer is here, looking very glum… but look on the bright side, Chuck: considering how ‘woke’ your party has become, if Kamala loses you still have the chance to become the first woman president.”

On Harris supporters: “There’s a group called White Dudes for Harris, have you seen this? Are some of you here White Dudes to Harris? But I’m not worried about them at all, because their wives and their wives’ lovers are all voting for me.”

On Doug Emhoff: “A major issue in this race is childcare and Kamala has put forward a concept of a plan. A lot of people don’t like it. The only piece of advice I would have for her in the event that she wins would be not to let her husband Doug anywhere near the nannies… just keep him away.”

On Tim Walz: “Unfortunately Governor Walz isn’t here himself, but don’t worry: he’ll say that he was… I used to think the Democrats were crazy for saying that men have periods, but then I met Tim Walz.”

On Eric Adams: “The mayor’s dietary restrictions are well known, but I’ve got to say I’ve never met a person who’s a vegan who liked Turkey so much.”

The night was hosted by Catholic comic Jim Gaffigan, who is currently playing Tim Walz on Saturday Night Live. His best lines were at the expense of the Democrats: “This event has been referred to as the Catholic Met Gala. Twenty-two percent of Americans identify as Catholic, Catholics will be a key demographic in every battleground state… I’m sorry — Why is Vice President Harris not here? I mean, consider this: this is a room full of Catholics and Jews in New York City. This is a lay-up for the Democratic nominee. I mean, in her defense, she did find time to appear on The View, Howard Stern, Colbert and the longtime staple of campaigning, the Call Her Daddy podcast.”

He also knocked the current president: “The media has begun discussing the phenomena of ‘secret Trump voters’ — people who publicly say they’d never vote for Trump, but then when they go in the voting booth, they do. It’s a small group. They’re called ‘the Biden family.’”

Harris, rather than attend, opted to send a pre-recorded video featuring Molly Shannon: a perfect retort to the many complaints that she’s too scripted.

For anyone looking for further confirmation that Trump won the night, notice how a Harris campaign rapid response director chose to email journalists afterwards about how he “struggled to read scripted notes written by his handlers” — and how the Harris stenographers at Politico Playbook bleated that his remarks were “sharply partisan and mean-spirited” this morning. At least he turned up to deliver them in person!

When you’ve lost the Gateway Pundit…

Conspiracy-minded right-wingers were thrilled last week when someone appeared to confirm their suspicions that Coach Tim Walz had been “weird” with his students. An X poster that goes by the name “Black Insurrectionist” trotted out an unsubstantiated claim that Walz molested a gay student who he, as was previously reported, took to an Indigo Girls concert. Black Insurrectionist posted a series of communications supposedly from the abused student where he described performing oral sex on Walz and believing that the pair were in love.

Unfortunately for Black Insurrectionist, there were plenty of conservative skeptics who demanded the accuser come forward publicly before they believe the bombastic claims. Others wondered if Black Insurrectionist was advancing a psy-op to discredit Trump supporters. The Gateway Pundit, the Jim Hoff-founded website often flagged for promoting conspiracy theories, even joined the chorus of X users calling for more evidence. They noted that Black Insurrectionist approached them last month promising to put them in contact with an alleged ABC whistleblower that claimed to have evidence Vice President Kamala Harris was provided with debate questions ahead of time. Oddly, that contact never materialized.

“To this day, neither the whistleblower nor the attorney has contacted the Gateway Pundit,” the outlet’s X account affirmed. “Given recent online developments, we felt it necessary to provide this update at this time.”

In short: don’t believe Black Insurrectionist. The account curiously disappeared from X a few days after the scuffle.

The Bri’ish are coming

Build the wall: America is set to suffer yet another political incursion from the Old Country. A cacophony of gasps erupted nationwide at a LinkedIn post from Sofia Patel, head of operations for the UK’s Labour Party, in which she reveals she has “nearly 100 Labour Party staff… going to the US in the next few weeks heading to North Carolina, Nevada, Pennsylvania and Virginia” and has ten spots free for “anyone available to head to the battleground state of North Carolina — we will sort your housing.” 

“Isn’t this foreign election interference?” asked X influencer Ian Miles Cheong from his home in Malaysia. “Imagine if members of the Russian Duma did this.”

“This is illegal,” claimed South African-born X CEO Elon Musk, who has been extensively campaigning for the Republicans online and in person all year. A Community Note appended to Musk’s tweet pointing out that foreign nationals volunteering for campaigns in the US is in fact not illegal has mysteriously disappeared.

Cockburn knows conservative Americans who have gone to Britain to work for the Conservatives and the Brexit campaigns — as well as Labour activists who came to volunteer in North Carolina for Hillary Clinton in 2016 (they must have been really persuasive).

“President Trump is definitely going to win now,” tweeted Britain’s shortest serving prime minister Liz Truss in response to the controversy. Truss, lest we forget, lost her seat in Parliament to Labour in July.

Perhaps the Harris campaign could propose a work exchange: America gets Britain’s drippy milquetoast center-left leafletters, and we send Blighty Harry, Meghan and a few qualified dentists in return.

Jon Tester, suspiciously skinny legend

Is Jon Tester the latest politician to board the Ozempic train?

In recent months, Cockburn has observed that a series of politicians of both parties have slimmed down — to almost implausible levels. While he can’t say for sure, Cockburn has been hearing an uptick from Senate sources about Tester shedding pounds like he’s shedding percentage points in polls against GOP challenger Tim Sheehy.

The Montana senator is in the fight of his political life, but he isn’t showing signs of slowing down. He recently posted a mammoth $30 million fundraising quarter — and is looking better than he has during his multiple terms in office.

While he is now a slimmer senator with a massive bank account, he’s not favored to return to office next month. But his newly-found great shape suggests that he could find renewed success on his dirt farm back home in the Last Best Place.

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