Dog Man Vs. Antifa and other kids’ books to ‘own the libs’ with

Liberals are in a tizzy as usual over Pete Hegseth, our slick-haired Secretary of War. And in particular over his nonchalant attitude toward blowing Venezuelan drug boats out of the water, acting like the US is attacking the Old Man and the Sea or some bachelorette party boat instead of some highly organized narcotraficantes. That said, Hegseth did issue a bizarrely immature meme yesterday, tweeting out a fake cover of the children’s book character Franklin the Turtle called “Franklin Targets Narco Terrorists.” In it, Franklin, wearing a helmet and a gunbelt in addition to his usual protective carapace, fires an RPG and blows up a drug boat near some sort of tropical shore.

You could ask what Franklin, usually depicted running off to school or going to the pharmacy with grandpa, has to do with the War on Drugs. But we now live in an era where you can be a cabinet secretary and also a shitposter, so let’s just roll with it. Like Pete Hegseth, I also enjoy using AI to make children’s book parody memes. Here are some other suggestions for Republicans who want to lightly troll their opponents.

Amelia Bedelia Rides The Bus For Free In New York City

Everyone’s favorite ditzy housekeeper learns to navigate the realities of Zohran Mamdani’s New York.

The Unfortunate Case of the Sinister Six

We’ll call them the “Sinister Six” instead of the “Seditious Six” because, well, frankly, I mistyped it into ChatGPT. But it definitely sounds like a Lemony Snicket book. Mark Kelly is a Count Orloff type for sure.

Nancy Drew: The Mystery of the Stolen Social Security Numbers

The teen girl sleuth – and her chums – investigate the shadowy world of immigration fraud.

Choose Your Own Adventure: You Are a Somali Warlord In Minnesota

Speaking of immigration fraud, don’t think Tim Walz is getting out of this meme-free. I’ve chosen my favorite 1980s childhood book series for this story. Will you save the princess? Or will the Yeti eat you?

Dog Man Vs. Antifa

Let’s not forget our favorite domestic terrorist organization. Maybe Kash Patel or Kristi Noem can tweet out this Dav Pilkey-style book cover.

This doesn’t have to be limited to Republicans. Maybe someone from Gavin Newsom’s savvy social-media team can join in on the fun and give Pete Hegseth a taste of his own medicine with Where’s Waldo In The Pentagon?

Really, why does this have to be partisan at all? Let’s close this magical journey back to childhood with a book riffing on the Olivia Nuzzi/RFK Jr. relationship, which people of all ideological stripes love to hate.

It’s Olivia and the Bear In Central Park.

This American Canto will bring us all together.