America’s king is Burger King

The nationwide No Kings protest attracted, according to varying estimates, between 600,000 and 600 million Americans. Republicans either denigrated the protests as a kind of retirement-home activity for permanently terrified MSNBC boomers or as cover for bloodthirsty Antifa terrorists who want to destroy America and, in the words of House Speaker Mike Johnson, bring about “a rise of Marxism in the Democratic Party.” Or, you know, why not both? 

Coverage of the protests reflected this schizo vibe. There were a lot of sad Boomer ladies in tie-dye T-shirts carrying Orange Man Bad posters, and some footage of grotesque, twisted far leftists mocking the murder of Charlie Kirk. In the case of my social-media feed, largely populated by people I knew in an era where I actually took political sides, marchers weren’t murderous Commie bastards, but mostly well-meaning liberals who simply can’t comprehend that the America they once knew has changed, and that the political ground and political loyalties, have shifted. 

Breaking news to the marchers: Donald Trump is President, and he doesn’t care at all what you think of him. And breaking news to Republicans: Millions of people worldwide don’t like the President, and nothing he does will ever change their minds. Legions of people, including some who I know quite well, are completely convinced that they’re living in the rise of the Fourth Reich, just like millions of Republicans were convinced that Barack Obama was Josef Stalin II, from Hawaii. Then as now, when protests like this erupt non-spontaneously, legitimate critique becomes melodramatic, self-serving theater, while the Republic churns along. 

But what, specifically, were people protesting on Saturday? Many think that ICE is overreaching its authority. They don’t like Trump’s threats against federal judges, or his attempts to use the FCC to silence his critics. He’s gauche, obnoxious, crude and corrupt. But he’s not a king. The people elected him, twice, and very nearly elected him a third time. As critics of the protests pointed out, people marched against kings, and then on Sunday, they woke up in a free country. Mission accomplished. 

A few brave and self-promoting souls counter-protested on this weekend, but mostly people went about their usual weekend business of hanging out with family, watching college football, grilling, or, in my case, whiling away a half-dozen hours at the local card house. As the strange but amusing social-media pundit @mr_politics97 said in a video yesterday, filmed in a hoodie while walking by the side of a highway, “Apparently to the Liberals yesterday was a success… we trying to figure out how it was a success. Trump still the President. And you still gonna be getting deported if your ass not a U.S. citizen. So I’m truly trying to understand, what the fuck did y’all think you was doin’ yesterday? Ain’t nothing changed. Ain’t nothing changing.”

Good question, Mr. Politics. A new week has arrived, it’s still a free country, and the only kings we have are Burger King, Smoothie King, Mattress King, Draft Kings, and, in some grocery-store regions, King Sooper’s. Meanwhile, how did the KING respond? 

Trump said, yesterday, that the protesters were “WHACKED OUT” and George Soros paid for them. “By the way, I’m not a KING. I work my ASS OFF to make our country great. That’s all it is.” 

Trump also posted an AI-generated video where he, flying a fighter jet, drops a payload of feces on Harry Sisson and a group of No Kings protesters below. “He’s using satire to make a point,” Mike Johnson said yesterday. “He is not calling for the MURDER of his political opponents. And that’s what these people ARE doing. In one of these photos… there is a picture of the president hanging in effigy by a noose. It’s unconscionable.” 

Maybe, but it’s also a free country. People also used to hang Barack Obama in effigy, and now he’s a billionaire who lives on Martha’s Vineyard. God bless America, where our leaders cash in, and where kings are purely optional.