True winners steal from children

“Sack of garbage,” “common thief,” “shameful jerk” – but a few of the choice words tennis fans had for the man who swiped an autographed hat from a child at the US Open over the weekend.

Sure, the alleged thief is no saint. But now that he’s reportedly been identified as a self-made millionaire, I’d rather just call him a shark.

The video of the courtside incident quickly went viral, showing a grown man snatch the hat away as Polish tennis star Kamil Majchrzak passed it up to a boy who pleaded in vain. The internet did as it wont, and identified the alleged thief as pavement plutocrat and fellow Pole, Piotr Szczerek.

What is this world coming to? A man can’t even steal from a child anymore without having his whole life dissected by an internet mob. But the more you dig into the details, it’s clear that Szczerek is actually kind of impressive.

Pavement is a big industry in Poland, apparently. I guess it makes sense – what else is there to do in the bleak decay of Eastern Europe besides endlessly mix concrete? With the keen instincts of a soon-to-be tycoon, Szczerek and his wife launched their paving company in the 90s and built an empire from the ground up. As CEO, he’s now deemed a “leader in the industry” by Polish media, and even funds youth tennis leagues.

Snatching trophies of conquest simply comes natural to a guy like this. It’s a courtside feeding frenzy, after all: athletes walk over amped up from battle, and fans clamor desperately for a hand shake, an autograph, a sweaty head band. In the heat of the moment, it’s survival of the fittest. And you can’t expect a shark to have a moral code.

A Great White doesn’t hang back to give lesser predators their fair chance; he swoops in for the kill. This cut throat ruthlessness is the hallmark of winners, conquerors and millionaire CEOs the world over, and the drive that let Szczerek succeed in business is the same one that kicked in courtside. Even in Gucci tennis shorts, killer instincts are not so easily suppressed.

But an alpha is nothing without his mate. Szczerek passed the hat to his wife, who dutifully shoved it into her designer handbag, as he went back for a second bite at an autographed water bottle. There’s a lesson for the ladies here, too: stand by your man.

Of course a guy like this isn’t going to just roll over under a little scrutiny. If you can find a way to capitalize off the fall of communism, you can survive a few internet trolls.

“Yes, I took it. Yes, I did it quickly. But as I’ve always said, life is first come, first served,” Szczerek said in defiance.

“It’s just a hat. If you were faster, you’d have it,” he added, while audaciously dangling the threat of legal action against the haters in his dm’s.

How many nebbish western CEOs have we seen cave to the mob in recent years? Szczerek’s bold aggression is wasted in far-off Poland. Maybe if he was heading the NFL, we’d all be spared the indignity of twink cheerleaders shaking their asses on the sidelines.

You can’t blame a shark for going after its prey. Still, it doesn’t hurt to show a little noblesse oblige, as Szczerek eventually (kind of) did with an overdue apology.

We love to talk about the “based” Poles, one of the last bastions of sanity amidst an EU lost to gay race communism. But we forget that Poland’s not exactly first world. Millions of Polish złoty only go so far without some good English manners.

A grown man clamoring like a groupie is more than a little undignified. You’re that desperate for another man’s autograph – and maybe some drops of his sweat too – that you’ll romp a kid for it? Besides, Majchrzak isn’t even that good. His career-high ATP ranking is only No. 75, which is hardly worth all the fan-girling.

The Szczereks have boasted of personally hosting higher ranked players at their estate. Surely it’s better to invite Majchrzak over and let an excited kid have a brief moment with his hero.

At the end of the day though, it’s just not that big of a deal; people need bigger things to be mad at. There’s even a happy ending, as the kid landed a meet-and-greet with Majchrzak thanks to the viral video.

So he got his participation trophy in the end. But maybe that’s not such a good thing? Coddled children don’t exactly have the makings of a future CEO.