A presidential pizza delivery service

The excited word went out late Thursday afternoon that President Trump was going to do an evening ridealong with the National Guard. According to Twitter, he was now officially the roughest dude to occupy the White House since Teddy Roosevelt. Bad boys, bad boys, watcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when the Trump gets you?

Fight fight fight!

At the height of rush hour, POTUS climbed into “The Beast,” the Presidential limo, in a motorcade that included chief of staff Susie Wiles, Interior Secretary Doug Burgum, most-hated-man-in-America Steven Miller, and Attorney General Pam Bondi, among others. This was going to be one hell of a ridealong.

At 5:32 pm, Trump arrived at U.S. Park Police headquarters, where he was met by 300 warriors from the DEA, ATF, US Marshals, National Guard, Police HSI, the DC Metropolitan Police and the FBI.

“You are nice healthy looking people,” he said, and the crowd laughed.

He was about to make them less healthy, as he presented them with bags of hamburgers from the White House kitchen, and stacks of pizzas from “a good place,” which turned out to be Wise Guy Pizza. Then the enforcer-in-chief motivated the troops. “We had a country that was laughed at a year ago,” he said.

The world thought the U.S. was finished, he added, but “they couldn’t understand what was happening. And it’s about leadership. But we had a country that was a dead country in many ways.”

Then, because it was Trump, and it was a day of the week, he pivoted to talking trash about windmills. But he also promised these brave men and women that he would fight mightily to improve Washington, D.C., vowing to “regrass” the city’s parks.

“I know more about grass than any human being, I think, anywhere in the world,” The President said. “And we’re going to be regressing all of your parks, all brand new sprinkler systems, the best that you can buy.”

After remarks from a few Administration officials, including former Fox News commentator Judge Jeanine Pirro, Trump got back into The Beast, and was home at the White House just a little after 6 p.m. It hadn’t been much of a ridealong. But thanks to the person who knows more about grass than anyone in the world, the streets of D.C. were safe once again.