Of course the Subway sandwich-thrower is a theater kid

No story has captured Cockburn’s imagination this week quite like the U Street Sandwich Thrower. Sean Charles Dunn, a 37-year-old lawyer at the Department of Justice’s Criminal Division, was so incensed at the increased law enforcement presence in DC that he threw a Subway sandwich at a Customs and Border Protection agent – and was sub-sequently arrested. “He thought it was funny,” said a disgusted Judge Jeanine Pirro, the US Attorney for DC.

Is Dunn a deep-state plant? Was his effort part of a viral marketing campaign for the new Chappell Roan song? Details remain murky – but Cockburn’s confidante Jacqueline Sweet does have a nugget or two. Namely, that Dunn is apparently Cockburn’s neighbor in Dupont Circle, and that he was a theater kid at his South Dakota high school (in case it wasn’t obvious from the quality of the throw)…

On our radar

WHO’S IN CHARGE HERE? Federal authorities arrived in Washington Circle last night to begin removing homeless encampments. At the scene they found notices posted on every tent, left by DC officials, giving occupants until Monday to clear out.

I’M YELLING TIMBER The real-looking vegan meat company, Beyond Meat, may be headed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Though their X account said the rumors are “unequivocally false,” their stock has fallen four years in a row.

CLEAN, FIRM ENERGY BROS The Department of Energy is pushing 11 nuclear energy projects to reach “criticality” by Independence Day next year. Deputy Secretary James Daly said the department “will do everything we can to support their efforts.”

Sergey Lavrov drip check

All eyes are on Alaska this afternoon as Presidents Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin meet in Anchorage for initial discussions about a potential end to the war in Ukraine.

The first to roll up was Sergey Lavrov, who has served as Russia’s Foreign Minister for two decades. Lavrov arrived in a rather fetching puffer vest over a sweater with “CCCP” (USSR) emblazoned on the front. How diplomatic…

Nonce sense

A leaked internal policy document drawn up by Meta reveals that its AI chatbot, Meta AI, is permitted to “engage a child in conversations that are romantic or sensual.” Calling minors a “work of art” is kosher, apparently, but the document does set out limits: “It is unacceptable to describe a child under 13 years old in terms that indicate they are sexually desirable (ex: ‘soft rounded curves invite my touch’).”

More specifically, descriptions of sexual acts are a no-no, but grand declarations of devotion of a distinctly Phantom of the Opera-type are way in. Who says that romance is dead?

Brevity is the soul of wit

TikToks are meant to be little globs of content to flick through idly, but Ella Emhoff – the model stepdaughter of the vanquished VP Kamala Harris – has now stretched the medium to breaking point. Emhoff’s “Little check in 🙂” , posted yesterday, clocks in at an epic six minutes. Now liberated from the Secret Service, which had put up a “barrier between me and a lot of people in my life,” Emhoff has spent the last six months engrossed in world events – a “good distraction” from “losing the election.”

Though it’s brought her little relief so far: “Everything with the environment is really fucking getting to me.” Emhoff then called on her viewers to keep “loud” and not to “normalize any of this.”

Catastrophism, ennui, vague pledges of resistance – it’s an apt synopsis of ruling opinion since last November. “More knitting stuff coming soon,” Emhoff signed off.

Subscribe to Cockburn’s Diary on Substack to get it in your inbox on Tuesdays and Fridays.