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President Trump announced a major vibe shift on Truth Social today, declaring that he, like any other sane red-white-and-blue blooded American, finds Sydney Sweeney sexy, especially because she toes the party line. “Sydney Sweeney, a registered Republican, has the “HOTTEST” ad out there,” he posted. “It’s for American Eagle, and the jeans are “flying off the shelves.” Go get ‘em, Sydney!” Why Trump put “flying off the shelves” is a question only for advanced semioticians, but the White House’s stance is clear on this cultural hot point: Sydney Sweeney good, left-wing “Nazi” denunciations of Sydney Sweeney bad.
But Trump wasn’t done. He turned his Sydney Sweeney boosterism into a full-blown cultural critique. His ever-active mind veered to the “other side of the ledger,” bringing up a disastrous multicultural, gender-fluid ad that Jaguar put out last year. “Jaguar did a stupid, and seriously WOKE advertisement, THAT IS A TOTAL DISASTER! The CEO just resigned in disgrace, and the company is in absolute turmoil. Who wants to buy a Jaguar after looking at that disgraceful ad.” Donald, you forgot a question mark? Also, Cockburn would argue that Jaguar already had tremendous problems as a brand before the ad, with severe quality problems and a rapidly-declining market share, and that the ad was just the capstone to a car company in death spiral. But whatever, let the President cook.
He wasn’t done yet, spending precious characters rehashing the Bud Light/Dylan Mulvaney fiasco, in which Bud “went Woke and essentially destroyed, in a short campaign, the Company.” The most popular beer in America then became Modelo Especial, which couldn’t possibly please the Donald, and Bud has recovered somewhat from that marketing error. But Trump had an even more sacred cow to gore: America’s sweetheart, Taylor Swift:
“Ever since I alerted the world as to what she was by saying on TRUTH that I can’t stand her (HATE!). She was booed out of the Super Bowl and became, NO LONGER HOT,” Trump said. While it’s true that T-Swift may have over-flooded the zone with her recent tour, and it’s also true that she’s no fan of the President’s, there are countless millions of people who would disagree with her declining hotness. Sydney Sweeney has a good screen presence and amazing jeans, but Swift’s Q-rating and body of work still rank her higher on the cultural totem pole.
However, that’s not what The Donald is announcing with this post. He’s wrong that Taylor Swift is in decline, but he’s right in proclaiming that the woke era is over. It’s once again safe for boys to put whackoff posters of hot models on their walls and it’s time for bald black lesbian actresses with nose piercings and Nosferatu nails to stop playing Jesus Christ at the Hollywood Bowl. The theater kids lose, normal America wins.
“The tide has seriously turned,” the President tweeted. “Being WOKE is for losers, being Republican is what you want to be.” We’d like to thank the President for his attention to this matter. America is back, baby! At last, a true hot girl summer has arrived.
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