Trump holds court at Turnberry

It’s often the rotator blades of Marine One that blare over Donald Trump’s voice as he stands near the helipad on the south lawn of the White House. In Turnberry, Scotland, it was bagpipes. Trump, playing host to the British Prime Minister in Britain, performed his now familiar ingratiation ritual as he welcomed Sir Keir and Lady Victoria Starmer to his golf course. “Our relationship is unparalleled,” he said, above the din. He flattered the PM’s wife and even suggested, in his delightful nonsensical way, that she is a well-known figure all over the United States.  

Finally, the bag piping stopped and the world could hear as Trump and the reporters rattled through the news-points. Somebody fired off a question about free speech. “Well, free speech is very important and I don’t know if you’re referring to any place in particular,” replied Trump, turning impishly to Starmer. “We have had free speech for a long time so, er, we’re very proud of that.” Which is exactly what Starmer said when JD Vance brought up free speech in the White House in February. Starmer’s disingenuousness on the issue of free speech in striking. You can keep arrogantly insisting that Britain has a long history of free speech when that tradition is being broken, in various ways, by the government you lead. But you probably shouldn’t.  

Another entertaining moment came when GB News asked Trump about the “small boats crisis” – and Trump had no idea what that story was about. Starmer butted in to say “it’s about the boats crossing the channel and we’ve taken a lot of action…”

“Well I think immigration is a big factor,” said Trump, leaning into his timeless classic of a routine on borders. “You know other countries don’t send their best. They send people they don’t want…”

Starmer reassured the President that “we’ve returned about 35,000.”

“Europe is a much different place than it was just five years ago, ten years ago,” concluded Trump, sententiously. “They gotta get their act together… This is a magnificent part of the world, we cannot let people come here illegally.”

Trump praised Starmer for taking a stand. Nobody mentioned that, under Labour, small boat crossings have increased by 48 percent. Oh well. Diplomacy is lying, only for a better class of people, as Terry Pratchett once wrote.

At one point, Starmer had his arms crossed as Trump boasted that “if I weren’t around, there would be six major wars going on.” The Prime Minister realized that looked awkward so began clasping his hands instead. Lady Starmer looked strained, despite (or perhaps because of) Trump’s earlier praise.

Before they walked into the clubhouse, Trump promised that he and Starmer would address the Gaza situation. He also added a threat to Russia over Ukraine. “I’m disappointed in Putin, very disappointed in him,” he said. “I’m gonna reduce that 50 days that I gave him because I think I already know what’s going to happen.”

We’ll have more hilarity this afternoon, no doubt.