The problem with Snow White

Disney’s new Snow White is a live-action remake of the beloved 1937 classic that was cinema’s first full-length animated feature and is still regarded as Walt’s greatest masterpiece – even if fans of The Jungle Book will always have something to say about that. It stars Rachel Zegler, which set the cat among the pigeons, as she is Latino so doesn’t have “skin as white as snow.” However, because I’m not a stickler for “historical accuracy” when it comes to fictional characters in fairy tales, this didn’t bother me.

The problem with the film isn’t that it’s gone “woke,” it’s that it contains workaday narrative, blandly generic characters and a leaden script that wrings all the magic from the story. Also, I’m not convinced every princess wants to be reinvented as a “girl boss” but I’ve never asked one directly so I can’t be sure.

The film is written by Erin Cressida Wilson and directed by Marc Webb, and set in a land far, far away, by the looks of it. A nice King and a nice Queen have a little girl, whom they name “Snow White” because she was born in a blizzard. The princess is brought up to be “fearless, brave, true and fair” and also to be “a leader.” (I’m all for girl bosses, or was. But hasn’t this trope been done to death now? Give us something new. Surprise us!) After Snow White’s mother dies, her father remarries, which leads to all sorts of blended family issues. Most notably, the new Queen (Gal Gadot) is riven with sexual envy when Snow White grows up more beautiful than her. She talks to her mirror about it, for which she would probably get help today. I don’t know why I’m recounting the plot. I’ll stop now and just point out a few things.

There is no prince. Instead, there is a handsome bandit called “Jonathan” (Andrew Burnap) and while I can’t take a bandit called “Jonathan” seriously, each to their own. And let us remember: in the original Brothers Grimm story (1812) the prince stalks Snow White – who was only seven – and ultimately makes off with her glass coffin so he might love and kiss her for ever even though she was thought to be dead. In other words, it’s quite creepy, so let’s be thankful for Jonathan and lapses in “historical accuracy” – unless a grown man making out with a seemingly deceased child is what you most dearly wish to see.

On to the dwarves, which have been created by CGI and have caused another “backlash.” Why weren’t real dwarf actors deployed? They probably could have done with the work? Confusingly there is an actor with dwarfism amid the bandits. (Hey, guys, make up your minds!) If you are still recovering from the trauma of Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio, who looked like Freddy Krueger, you will be nervous, but it’s not that bad. They are benign enough – even if they do all have the noses of those old drunks you see down the park. Their version of the songs “Heigh-Ho” and “Whistle While You Work” were the highlight for me. The new songs do not seem especially memorable.

The production values are high and all the enchanted animals are cute, but where are the jokes? And where is the personality? Snow White may now be a “girl boss” but she is so pious and sanctimonious that if you met her at a party you’d say you were just going to the bathroom and then run. I know, I know, it’s for the kiddies but it’s not one of those films that will stay with them throughout their adulthood, such as The Jungle Book has done for me.

Meanwhile, there has been another row because, in casting an Israeli (Gadot) as the evil character, the film must have it in for Israel. God give me strength.