Field sex is, I believe, an experience that unites those from all walks of life. Whether it was a drunken fumble, a discreet teenage quickie hidden from your parents or a planned act to inject some spice into your waning marriage, plenty of us have felt the vulnerability of walking to the car with a muddy back, anxiously wondering if we’d been spotted by a dog walker.
Admittedly, field sex etiquette isn’t something that I’ve put much thought into. But after Prince Harry’s older woman (two years older to be exact) laid bare her five-minute rendezvous with the adolescent royal, it got me thinking about the right way to do it.
The California-based prince is getting a bit of stick over this story. Sasha Walpole, the now forty-year-old digger driver who deflowered Harry, described the 2001 encounter as a “five-minute wham-bam between two friends.” Charming. But it must be said that the prince didn’t help himself, having written in his memoir Spare: “She treated me not unlike a young stallion. Quick ride, after which she’d smacked my rump and sent me to grace.”
Any man who describes himself as a young stallion deserves ridicule. But at least Harry’s account of the encounter was entertaining and not just another excuse to bore on about his troubles. Not exactly an ideal story of losing your virginity, but entertaining nonetheless. I must admit that when I first heard the words “older woman” and “treated me like a young stallion,” I imagined a Mrs. Robinson type figure, stepping out into the field head to toe in tweed equipped with a horse whip. She spotted young Harry, like a huntsman with their prey, untied her long, brown hair which fell to her waist and said “Heel, boy.” Or in this case, Your Royal Highness. Harry then fell to the ground, his auburn mop sinking into the mud as they passionately bonked all night.
A girl can dream, or read a Jilly Cooper novel. But there is something unjust about a royal having a his first time in a grassy field. Surely someone could have arranged something a bit more proper. There are whispers of semi-formal arrangements within certain aristocratic circles, where fathers would scout older women, like governesses, to sleep with young teenage sons so they could get it out of the way.
Anyway, to the guide.
Suitable clothing
The tweed suit I mentioned earlier would be a logistical nightmare. Women would be far better off sporting a flowy dress or skirt, something that can easily be lifted up and wouldn’t be too easily soiled. For men it’s easier: anything that doesn’t have to be dry-cleaned.
Find somewhere that isn’t glaringly obvious
Otherwise it might turn into some kind of dogging episode, which is not the point. At the start online sleuths deduced that Prince Harry’s choice of backdrop was likely a field behind the aptly named Rattlebone Inn in Malmesbury. Others claimed it was grassland behind a Gloucestershire pub called the Tunnel House Inn, right next to a footpath called Monarch’s Way, if you could believe it. Alas, it ended up being a pub nearby called the Vine Tree. Wherever you choose, it should be full of trees and bushes, maybe a bench for support, and, most importantly, a car park that is close enough to get to your getaway vehicle if an angry farmer catches you in flagrante.
What to bring for field sex
For premeditated field fumbles I recommend some accessories. A blanket, wet wipes, a few bottles of water for hydration and whatever you do, don’t bring the dog. Have you ever been mid-coitus with a vapid Labrador staring at you while drooling? Mine also barks relentlessly if I give anyone other than him attention. I learnt this the hard way.
Don’t tell everyone
The final step is the most important. However much you may be tempted otherwise, only bonk in fields with somebody who won’t write all the gory details in their memoir years later for a quick buck.
This article was originally published on Spectator Life.
