Cockburn will come to your Christmas party

Cockburn woke up bleary-eyed, splashed water on his face and took stock of his calendar this Black Friday. It is already filling up with events from embassies, magazines and cautious frenemies. He spent his Thanksgiving down South, practicing grounding techniques and avoiding stirring pots, except for the pot of cranberry sauce. It isn’t easy being Washington’s nosiest socialite – and even Cockburn needs to get away from the swamp once in a while.

However, the time for wholesome family fun has ended. Your disoriented correspondent will be on a plane headed back to Reagan before all…

Cockburn woke up bleary-eyed, splashed water on his face and took stock of his calendar this Black Friday. It is already filling up with events from embassies, magazines and cautious frenemies. He spent his Thanksgiving down South, practicing grounding techniques and avoiding stirring pots, except for the pot of cranberry sauce. It isn’t easy being Washington’s nosiest socialite – and even Cockburn needs to get away from the swamp once in a while.

However, the time for wholesome family fun has ended. Your disoriented correspondent will be on a plane headed back to Reagan before all the decorations are up in the White House. We have entered the most Cockburn-y (tolerant) time of the year – that liminal space between Thanksgiving and Christmas when dignitaries are drunk, luminaries are lit and whoever is left to haunt the district does so under the influence of holiday cheer.

Lucky you, important person, there is still time to invite him to your party. He will play the role of neither influencer nor wonk but a much-needed waggish addition to a tiresome crowd. Every Christmas party should have one character for guests to point at and ask, “Who is that?” with some mix of delight and disgust. This is crucial for creating a dynamic ambiance and cultivating the mystique of DC hosts and institutions alike. It will also ensure you don’t have any alcohol left going into Dry January.

Send your invitations to cockburn@thespectator.com and he will make an appearance.

On our radar

MIGRATION CRACKDOWN After an Afghan national shot two National Guardsmen in DC on Tuesday, killing one, President Trump pledged to “permanently pause migration from all Third World Countries.”

ADIEU ANDRIY Andriy Yermak, President Volodymyr Zelensky’s chief of staff, has resigned amid a corruption scandal.

SCHOOL’S OUT Two thirds of registered voters say a four-year college degree isn’t worth the cost, according to an NBC News poll.

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